Perception

Do you think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you?  What is it about our perception of reality that causes us to judge others based on a limited amount of information that they provide us with, through how they choose to act, think, and live their lives? Why is it that some of us feel drawn to be constantly watching or finding out what others are doing? Why are we so concerned with what others do or think or feel? The choices that others are making  in life somehow bother us in ways we don’t understand. How dare anyone have the audacity to have an opinion or perspective that differs from ours! In today’s world we seem to be enamored with getting on our little soap boxes (social media in any form) and shouting to all the world our opinions and perspectives on EVERYTHING! I am just as guilty of this as others, I’m not chiding anyone. And when someone has an opinion or perspective that differs from ours we see no issue with attacking them, or posting about what our opinion of them is. We, as a human race have become less human towards each other with our constant need to document every thought or whim that pops into our heads and publish this collective self-indulgence for the world to see and judge us by.

Everyone has a different perception. The way you see and do things is not the only way to do or see things. I have tried to explain this until I was blue in the face, but people don’t seem to grasp the concept. So I’m going to lay it down on here once again and I am sorry if you think that what I write is directed at you or you want to feel some type of way about it. That is your perception and you are entitled to it. I haven’t written in almost two years because I have been so caught up in worrying about other people’s perceptions of me and worrying that what I said would upset them. Now I realize that people are going to think and feel whatever they want it doesn’t matter what I do or say. So I might as well do what makes me happy and write about whatever the hell I want. I have been caught up for so long in other people’s perceptions that I have stopped doing what I love and have absolutely no outlet for what I think and feel and it’s bullshit, quite frankly. There is no earthly reason why I should sit around constantly worried that I am going to upset people by what I say and do, while giving up my needs and happiness in the meantime. You will feel and think whatever you are going to feel and think about this post regardless of how careful I am in composing it. So I’m gonna let it rip. I don’t fit in on this planet and maybe that’s because I was born to change it. I might piss you off,  but a least I made you think!

Everyone has their journey on this planet. All journeys are different and designed to teach us individually different lessons that our soul needs to learn in order to progress on this plane. Through these lessons, we develop our own perception of all the things that inhabit our environment. Everyone differs in their perceptions of the world because we all have unique experiences to change the way we see and interact with others and the world itself. There are people who believe they are better than others simply because they have a better house, or haven’t ever gone to jail or had an addiction to something. They lack humility and understanding because they lack those experiences that would have taught their soul such lessons. There are people who think that it’s their business to constantly monitor what other’s are doing, in order to judge, belittle or otherwise nurse their insecurities by assuming there are superior to those who have had different life lessons as them. There are people who will judge a relationship simply because it isn’t what they would want for themselves or others, and they think you couldn’t possibly be happy because it isn’t what would make them happy. There are people who try to control everyone else’s lives because they feel out of control with their own lives.  Perception is your way of observing and understanding reality. Your perception determines your reality. If your perception is that people are generally selfish and self-serving, then that’s what they will be. If you are insecure and assume that everything that other’s do is about you, then anything anyone does or feels will be directed specifically at you. If you are always looking for the evil in others, nothing they do will ever alter your perception of them or their intentions.

What you hate in others is often a reflection of what you hate in yourself. It can also be an energy within your being that needs more focus. Our relationships with all other people are often learning experiences for us on how we get our needs met. For instance, one child grows up trying to please everyone because it has found that this is the best way for it to get its needs met. But this child might have an issue saying no, or being aggressive, or taking care of itself ever. Then you have another child who grew up differently and had it’s needs met by being aggressive and always looking out for itself because no one else did. This child has little empathy, and is generally self-focused, and has learned to get it’s needs met the opposite way. What do you think will happen with these two people? They will grow up and end up in some sort of relationship! Because they each have something the other needs!  In the opposite end, if we find someone to be crazy, difficult, unpleasant, rude, insulting, embarrassing, lacking in boundaries, selfish or unfeeling; it is generally, because we have those same qualities within ourselves and refuse to acknowledge them. How you react to others is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. So if you have adjusted your level of perception and have observed that you possess some of these energies that need to be worked on within yourself, you start to become aware that perception isn’t the only one. Let alone the right one. Once you have worked on that issue with yourself, you are no longer bothered by it in others. But if you refuse to acknowledge your need for growth in an area of your life, the same issue or irritating quality will continue to manifest itself in your relationships with others. And beware when you judge others for how they choose to spend their time on this planet, “Self-righteous morality is nothing more than jealousy with a halo.”-H.G. Wells.

The other point of perception I want to make is that we perceive another by what we can observe through the five senses and our understanding of what they let us see. What parts others allow us to observe is literally the tip of the iceberg. People tell us what they want us to know, whether consciously or unconsciously done. You see that someone is in a relationship with someone you know nothing about. You hear the good things or you just hear them venting, and make judgement calls based on your perception. What they show or say, may not always be the entire case. People, whether social media seeks to destroy that or not, will always have a certain level of privacy. They will not always say what they think or feel. You cannot make a reasonable observation of a situation without having all the facts first. And yet we seek to judge others purely based on what they allow us to see about their lives from afar or what we’ve heard from others. You don’t know what someone is going through based on social media posts or third-party knowledge or observations. What other people tell you about someone is what their perception of them is. Not what is fact. I for instance, am quiet, calm, withdrawn, and guarded if not defensive around people I don’t feel comfortable with. But with people who know me well and love me, I am energetic, happy, talkative, funny, and friendly.  I might be in deep contemplation or stressed out about something and withdrawn in my room, and my Grandmother thinks I’m pouting because that is her perception. While not being the case at all, sometimes I just want to be left alone (actually the majority of the time). She is just as entitled to her opinion and perception as the next person. But the point I’m making is that it’s opinion formed by perception, not fact. When I’m quiet at work people often think I’m pissed off and really I’m just feeling introspective that day and in really good spirits. I’m an introvert, that’s how I roll. But an extroverted sense of perception interprets that differently, as sad or mad. Mostly from a lack of understanding, rather than actual fact.

Similarly, I had a 3 hour conversation because my best friend wanted to feel something about my relationship based off of the information I was giving him. He is my best friend so I tend to vent to him more than anyone. This, in turn, gave him the perception that I was unhappy in my relationship and nothing could be further from the truth. He said,”Well I don’t ever hear the happy stuff!” And that is mostly because I don’t feel the need to brag about my relationship because I’m not insecure about it. Also I have the understanding that no matter how much good this relationship has done me, or how happy I am for the first time ever in a relationship, or our connection, how it’s helped me grow, people will only ever see that I am in a relationship with a guy who’s in prison for life. And how could that make anyone happy!? How could I love such a person!? So I sat there for 3 hours and explained to my best friend, who also grew up with my fiance, how happy I really am. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else. I don’t feel the need to justify my relationship to anyone because at the end of my life, I ride in my casket solo. I stand in front of God solo. Every defining moment of my life was undergone alone. So ultimately, what I decide makes me happy and what’s best for my child will be the only deciding factors in what I choose in this life. Regardless if anyone else thinks I’m capable of making sane decisions regarding my child or whether I’m a blithering idiot. That’s their perception. What he wanted for me to make me happy was completely opposing to what would actually make me happy. See, what makes others happy doesn’t make me happy. And I really screwed my life up trying to be someone else’s idea of normal or “Happy.” Then when I completely gave myself up for lost, my fiance came back into my life. If my daughter put all the pieces of my heart back together, it’s my fiance who made sure they stuck. Never has anyone been so patiently loving and understanding with me. He is the voice in my head that anchors me back down when things start to get crazy. He taught me how to communicate my feelings and needs in a healthy manner,(Never happened before in my life), gave me a safe place to be a bitch, and even when I am being one, he has never once called me that. He didn’t let me push him away, and didn’t take my shit. Every hurt I have undergone in my life he helped to heal. I am a better person because of him. I have never felt so loved unconditionally in my life. He not only makes my knees weak, he calms me down. Even in the middle of an anxiety attack or a fit where I have been stuffing my emotions for months. I was in a deep, dark, hole that I dug for myself and he pulled me out and taught me to walk again when I had no idea how to even breathe. I am myself again. No, I am a far superior version of myself thanks to him. And we grow together. It may seem to others that I’m crazier, or more outspoken or less tolerant than ever before. But for the first time in my life I am happy with who I am, who I’m with, how I parent, how I live my life and my perception of the world. I had to explain all this to my best friend who now, fully comprehends my happiness. What makes me happy, doesn’t make other people happy and that is just fine with me. I am quite finished with trying to justify my happiness. He is my person. And I can’t imagine life without him now. It’s just sooooo infinitely better compared to what it was before! I am able to focus on my child and still get all of my needs met, but does any of that matter? No. Because he’s got a life sentence. That’s the only perception others have of the only person who loves me for who I truly am. And probably the only perception they will ever have, and that is okay. I’m not on this planet to further the status quo. I’m on this planet to change the way people think. What makes you happy isn’t necessarily what will make others happy. What you want isn’t always what others should want. Your perception of my situation doesn’t affect it. Ya I’m crazy, weird, and go against the grain. But I’m happy!

My last point is that everyone is allowed to have their perception of the world. Don’t look down on others simply because they think or feel differently than you. They are doing the best they can for where they are in life and with the tools they’ve been given. Just because you think they ought to be doing something, doesn’t mean that’s what is right for them. I wouldn’t be able to breathe if I had to live a picket fence, desk jockey kind of life, but I don’t judge anyone who dreams of that or lives that way of life. They do what is right for them and makes them happy and I do what makes me happy. If you are so concerned with what others are doing, you may want to step back and ask yourself why you are so concerned with someone other than yourself. Is something they’re doing upsetting you? Why does it upset you? Are you really happy with your life if you are worried about someone else is living theirs? Is there an energy there in someone else you need to work on in yourself? If you find this is the case I encourage you to ask others if they’ve observed similar qualities in you that you seem hell-bent on judging in someone else. Who cares what others are doing if your life is what you want it to be? Maybe we are all concerned with what others are doing because we still have some growing and understanding to undergo. If you have people in your life, and everything they do or say just really fucks with you, you might want to stop looking at them and take a look at yourself. Everyone always has such a good idea about how others should be living their lives, and none about his or her own. Why not try minding your own business and tending your own grass? Whether you use the formula 6+3, 7+2, 8+1, 5+4, 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1, or 9-0, THEY ALL EQUAL 9! We are all headed to the same destination, it shouldn’t matter how we get there. Worry about yourself.

I don’t always get along with the voices inside my head

It’s never easy staying in the light. Sometimes it takes actively working to stay there. And sometimes even then, it isn’t easy. For me it’s a battle most days and late at night when I can’t shut off that “Well-meaning-negative voice”, it high-jacks my brain and can even grow larger into my own personal agent of chaos. Over-thinking is a monster that can take on a life of its own if you aren’t careful. Mine always starts out the same way. My anxiety. Which to most people might seem really odd. Because for most people, I’m the one they call to calm down. I give them a little peace and reassurance and somehow am able to pull them into my calm during their storms. Then that horrible little monster whispers, ‘Who are you to bring peace to anyone? You can’t even manage your own life. You make more mistakes than anyone, you shouldn’t be giving advice.’  And this little monster grows and gets more brazen the more I try to block it out and shut it off.

We’ve all probably been there. Over-thinking situations or mistakes to the point of madness late at night. Most of the time I am able to cut it off and control it. To smother it and cut it off at the head. But often it lays there dormant and patient, slipping in little jabs here and there, until they really start to build up.  ‘Those people don’t care about you, they only come around when they want something. You’re not really good enough for him. Ya she smiles at you, but no matter how nice you are, she really can’t stand you. You’re such a hypocrite. You talk about inner peace and yet you can’t even control your anger. You shouldn’t be writing, someone will just take offense and it’ll cause problems.’   And although I fight it off well during the day most of the time, it creeps in late at night and the poison spreads.  Things I would never believe about myself in the light of day, suddenly become real and true in the dark. Low self-esteem is usually well hidden when I’m distracted in the light of the afternoon. For the most part. It still nags at the back of my mind though. And it grows day by day. This “Well-meaning negative voice in my head plants just the right seed of doubt and from there it grows and snowballs into some enormous demon who’s personal mission is to destroy any confidence or self-love I may have gained for myself recently.

‘That guy is looking at you because you’re fat. You should run more. Stop eating so much. Everyone that knew you before is going to wonder why you got so fat. Why you stopped caring about the way you look. And just like you thought they don’t really care about your happiness, they just want to be nosy. They don’t approve of who you’re dating so rather than say something or ask like real friends, they sit around and gossip about you. They could give two shits about you that’s why they never call. You don’t actually have any real friends. Who could love or care about such a fucked up person. Look at all those mistakes you made. Who would want to be seen with you when they have such a great time talking about you behind your back. They laugh about you all the time. They can see how worthless you are, so why can’t you just admit it? They think you’re desperate and that something is wrong with you and that’s why you love your boyfriend. Because he’s the only person who could ever love someone like you. And even he is too good for you. They know about all your shitty mistakes and that you might be great if you could ever stop being a carwasher. They think you’re scared and complacent, that’s why you won’t leave that job. They can’t even respect you. Sure you held down a job for this long, but not a respectable job. And the people you work with only put up with you. They’d be happy to see you go. You don’t matter to anyone. Not even those ‘friends’, you’re always there for. You’re a walking contradiction. You meditate, but if you were enlightened you wouldn’t have a demon like me to battle. And like all people they will eventually hurt you or betray you so it’s best to keep to yourself. Safer that way. Stay away from all the things that might make you stumble again. Then you’d be exactly who everyone knows you are. A worthless fuck up, a bad mom, the worst significant other anyone could hope to have. You don’t deserve the love your boyfriend gives you. He loves  you no matter how fucked up you are. But he wouldn’t if he had the choice. Everything you never wanted to be, you are. Nobody could actually love you. They only tolerate you. You are worthless. Your life will mean nothing when you leave this world.’

The two people who honestly quiet this ravenous demon are my child and my boyfriend. When I am with Zoe, the whole world is brighter and I remember I do have a purpose. She was my light after the dark. It may seem strange to most of you but most of the time she’s there and nothing else matters. I know those things in my head are lies to trap me in fear, doubt and self loathing. When all others seem questionable, my little girl reminds me that there is goodness in the world and within me. And my wonderful, patient, kind, loving boyfriend quells the inner storm when she isn’t present. But sometimes it seeps in no matter what and my brain takes me to a horrible place. My own personal hell. On the surface most of the time I have it together again. Every once in a while though, the poison infiltrates my light, and I give back in to punishing myself. I seem unfazed by most people’s opinions of me because I am my own best judge, jury, and executioner. Or torturer. Nobody can rip me up like I can. I fight every day to keep it at bay and to love myself, but sometimes it wins. Even now, it’s telling me to tuck tail and run because whoever might read this could see it as weakness and use it against me, or laugh at it, or get offended by it. But I have to let it out. I have to write about it. Because when I get it out, it doesn’t have the power it did before. I know I am not the shittiest mother on the planet. I’m not the worst significant other. I’m not fat or any of those other things. Some of them may have a smidgen of truth to them, but that no longer holds sway now that it’s out of my head.

My boyfriend has actually been a huge part against the battle in my loving myself. He shows me love, even when I am incapable of showing it to him or myself. He makes me feel like I am worth loving. His love for me is the kind of love I show to most people. Unconditional. I’ve never felt another person love me the way he does, and it helps me to love myself. I feel God’s love for me through him. He is there on the phone every night if he can, helping me to calm the storm inside. He not only makes my knees weak, but he calms me down. And that is rare with me. I’m not an easy person to calm down once that little monster takes a hold of my head and heart.  And when Zoe is near I feel complete peace. My child has a special knack for calming me down. She healed my broken heart and made it possible for me to love again. I didn’t even like cuddling before my little angel came into the world. And whenever things seem the most dark and I feel like I should give up, she is the reason I don’t. Even when I think I’m the shittiest mom in the world, she thinks I am the greatest. So it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. She is everything that I could ask for. And with her and my boyfriend I do feel like I can win the fight against whatever brought this monster into my life. It is so much less frequent now. But tonight, it did happen. I let it take hold. I let it bring me to tears. And then I decided to kick it out and share my weakness with the world. So when someone has an issue with over-thinking, that leads to self-loathing or depression. Try to be patient. This alone shows how quickly that monster can spiral out of control. Try not to get frustrated, try to understand. Instead of telling someone to get over it, or to just stop doing it, try to help them see the brighter side of things. All their good points. Sometimes it takes a simple act of kindness or love to save someone from themselves. Don’t attack the negative thinking pattern, help to cultivate new, positive thinking patterns with affirmations and self-love. At my darkest moments I like to tell myself, or hear a different voice in my head say,

“There is something that God made inside of you that is innocent and can never be touched, love that part of yourself the way God does.”

3.14.15

When someone you love dies, time stops. It’s like standing still while watching the whole world move around you. You can’t tell if you’re still breathing and have to remind yourself to do so because it feels like all the air has been stolen from the room. Your heart is broken and you are unable to describe the hole that seems to have just punched through the other side of this dimension into your life. Somehow the world keeps moving. People expect you to still function and carry out daily routines and duties because they don’t know there’s been a sudden rip in your space/time continuum. The world somehow keeps turning completely unaware that it has just lost an enormous part of humanity. This is a cornerstone of your world. A piece of the foundation that you were built on. An essential element that makes up your composition and without it you wouldn’t be quite who you are. And now it’s gone. While you’re happy that you’re loved one can rejoice in a better place and reunite with the source, you are at a complete loss back on earth as to what step to take next. Without that solid piece of foundation, everything starts to lose balance. This indescribable hole seems to feel like a vortex in the pit of your stomach and fear and uncertainty begin to seep in. It’s like listening to an old happy 40’s song and everything is fine until this sudden happenstance occurs and the music echos away into oblivion. And then there is what can only be described as a deafening silence that makes your ears ring and a black void take the place of what was moments before, life. Like a machine that has simultaneously switched to auto-pilot, your light is on but nobody is home. You are out of your body watching yourself converse with people and performing duties lost in a trance like state that keeps you suspended just far enough from the moment to keep a calm demeanor. There is still no air in the room and you are trapped in the space that comes after and exhale that waits patiently for the inhale that seems to be taking it’s time in gracing you with its presence. You get in the shower and the air returns, only to be crushed away by a tidal wave of emotion that hits you so hard out of nowhere it feels as though it may crush your very existence. Now you want to breathe, but are unable to, due to the fact that you are now drowning underneath a sea of emotion that seems to be in unending turmoil. Every time you think you’ve made your way to the surface to gasp for air, another wave comes crashing down and takes you back under for more.  You decide to stop fighting the waves for the moment and surrender to depths. You float there, sobbing under crushing currents in the stillness that only a moment ago you were fighting. You feel peace here. Maybe you’ll hide here under the current and raging storm above and let yourself submit to the stillness of tears that now surround you and seem to be holding you suspended in time and space.

You decide to stay here for the time being. It is warm here and it feels so much better to just float under the crushing oblivion waiting for you imminent return above. You can here the echo of your heart wrenching sobs, but at least it is still down here. These tears feel like a blanket enveloping you so lovingly that you think, maybe you’ll just stay here. There is no real reason to surface and deal with the perfect storm that rages above you. You can already feel the dull, searing pain in your head, inflicted by your unsuccessful attempts to fight your way through the squall unleashing its fury above. You want to stay where it is safe and warm and still. But somewhere a voice in the back of your dull, aching consciousness, reminds you that you cannot stay here. You have merely granted yourself respite for a moment and soon must return.

You spread your arms and kick your legs pushing your way back into to surface. The exhale in your ears as you reach the top is so loud it feels as though you have been hit with another wave. Only to be immediately replaced with loss of air and blank void silence as you open your eyes once more and dry off. You feel sick. Your head is pulsating as though it’s in a vice grip and your stomach was consequently churned by the waves you just fought your way past. You long for the stillness. You emerge and do your best to pull yourself together so that you don’t look like a freak show to the people who will be coming now.  A show of pulling yourself together freshly dressed and clean. You realize how dark this oblivion really is. You need light. You need warmth and comfort. You open every blind in the house to let the love, light and warmth back in. Suddenly a loving and familiar voice calls you out of your delirium. It comes in love and peace. It is not here to gawk or catch a glimpse of your storm. It is sent here to help calm it. If only for the time being.  The air is back. It is thin and takes great pains sweeping into your lungs but it is back. You feel relief, and the waters and storm seem to calm almost immediately. Help is here. Everything is going to be okay for now. You listen and speak in somewhat mechanic fashion and focus yourself on tasks that you are being asked to complete. No one knows. They have no idea and you have been raging in the storm for the better part of an hour. You feel afraid. You do not want to bring the storm back and you certainly do not want to deal with anyone else’s storm. Luckily you are given instructions and all is well. You do not have to deal with that again just yet.

Now people know. Which makes you uncomfortable. You feel like a sideshow and wish you could return to the stillness. It isn’t anyone’s fault you feel this way. You just do. And would much rather be alone or withdraw to gather yourself and induce some stillness. But right now there isn’t time and you must carry on, intrepid. Other than the messages of love and prayers, there are questions about how you are doing or what you are feeling. You have no idea. And you can barely describe it to one person who actually gets it. Everyone else means well and tells you that if you need anything to let them know. Knowing full well this is not how you work and that you are a withdrawn introvert, they say it anyway because they don’t know what else to say. And you respond mechanically and thank them. You are thankful that people do care. And yet you still feel like you are on a stage naked for the world to see or that everyone is taking pity on you or judging your storm. Like watching yourself fighting through the waves and not letting anyone in a boat close enough to help for fear they will just laugh at you and dump you back into the depths. Your storm keeps them at bay. The closer ones in the boats understand. But you have to ride this one out on your own.

You still wish for stillness. You cook. You distract yourself from the chaos within and the pain on the outside. The voice you needed to hear most calls on the phone. And even though it seemed mechanical and uncomfortable, it gave you comfort in a way that no other could. Like a hand in the dark that you trust. It has a hard time showing it, but its there, and regardless, makes you feel safe again even when issuing instructions to its tinier twin, who looks up at you and smiles it’s love and knowing. You have been sent a flotation device of love by those closest to you and for now you can ride the wave. Finally they are here to take the body in its final form to the place where all bodies go when the breath of life is no longer present in them. You are not afraid of this part. You lovingly wrap a cornerstone of your being in a white sheet and are determined to let him have his dignity. After all it’s the least you can do to show respect to someone who has meant so much and done so much for you. And you feel a swell rise up in your chest when you help carry the vessel that housed such an amazing soul into the last ride it will ever take. And you feel what you think is proud, that it was you that got to do it. Because you were the one there.   When you attempt to describe the feeling in your chest, your loved one explains this feeling is HONOR. To be so unattached your whole life to almost everyone, is to not really have experienced this feeling. You do not respect many people, but you respected this man. And so in helping to keep his dignity, you felt honored. This makes your heart start to glow again. And then when it’s all over you just want to collapse on your bed and let the pain and adrenaline subside. But you can’t. There are things to be done. And people to call. Thank goodness she is not ready for that and knows you don’t want to. You bake.

Today is also a birthday. And the soul that resided in the now absent vessel would want you to make sure she celebrated it. And it returns you to a slight stillness to do this. Some people still don’t know. That is okay for now it will happen when the time is right. You continue to respond to all the love and prayers being sent your way. With a few hiccups you manage to do the best you can. Now everyone knows at least and you can continue to try to ride the waves. You want to desperately shoot your gun to help pierce through that inexplicable void of sound around you. You still hear everything that is going on, but the void inside has a silence so loud it feels like it’s eating your insides. It even growls in anger at the situation which you are forced to be in. You want it to stop. You wish the others would come home soon. This is not your element. Somewhere inside you are screaming now and just need release. But the growl subsides when the others get home. Because they feel like you do and understand. They have been fighting the waves and storm all day on their own too. And they want the same things as you. Stillness. Piercing the void. And some joy to burn out the pain. Which is granted finally. To all of you through a series of serendipitous events. They are scared and lost too. But you comfort each other in the fact that you will be sharing the load as best you can. You cannot ever fill the void left by such an amazing soul. But knowing that someone else feels what you do and is there to help lighten the weight of crushing loss is the stillness you’d been wishing for all day. And you have a chance to be happy that another soul has made it’s journey back into communion with the source. You know that you can be thankful they are where they need to be. And that someday you will no longer be crushed by waves of cataclysmic emotion.  You will no longer have to feel dull, searing pain. Or voids of oblivion that attract fear and unknowing. One day you will go home too. But for now it’s best to just grab a surf board and catch the waves as best you can.

The dangers of our subliminal society.

Let’s all step out of our own personal shoes for a moment. In this blog, we’re going to take a proverbial walk in everyone else’s shoes for a few minutes.  Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Forget about all your woes, self-created, imagined and incidental, for a moment. I want you to think of the person you’re most angry with right now. It doesn’t have to be angry, it can be upset, disappointed, irritated, sad or broken-hearted with. It doesn’t matter because you know exactly who popped into your mind at the first thought.  Now I want you to list all of the ways this person is bothering you. Think of exactly why you are feeling the way you do about this person and name it. Do you have it? Good. Now think about why it is that this person and their particular actions are affecting you the way they are. What is it about what they are doing to upset you so much that it’s breaking your peace?  Can you name the feeling that is truly represented by all these other emotions and actions coming from you? Sometimes this is helpful in identifying an underlying issue within ourselves that needs to be addressed before we can honestly be upset with another person. Secondly, sometimes we become angry with someone because we dislike something in them that we dislike within ourselves and it causes us to lash out.

Now that you’ve identified the action that is causing your emotion, and named the emotion, as well as decided whether or not it’s your issue truly or the other person’s; if you’ve decided that the issue is yours it’s time to decide to work on it. If however you feel that it is still and issue with another person’s actions, let’s continue. Now I want you to think of this person and the very best memory you have of them. Whether it’s a day in the snow, a moment of laughter, a moment of displayed loyalty and love, a hug, a kindness they showed you, being there for you in a moment of darkness or time you needed them most. No matter what it is I want you to hold onto the feeling you have during this memory. Remember the love in your heart, the joy and peace, and the smile on your face. If you and this person aren’t close enough to have a memory like this than they are not significant enough in your life to be causing you an imbalance of emotion. If you do have one or more favorite moments with this person I want you to think of them that way when you are working out your issue with them. When we look at someone we love with love when we are trying to deal with an issue with them, we seek to understand their actions, rather than to be judgmental. Now before you go off into problem solving mode I want you to think of yourself as this person in whatever situation is in question, objectively. It doesn’t matter what you would do in this situation. It matters that you are in their shoes making the decisions as them.

How can you do this without all the information on the situation? YOU CAN”T. You can’t make decisions or think the way someone else does because you are you and they are them. You grew up and learned things one way, they grew up and learned things their way. All you can do is look objectively at another person’s actions and try to understand them with love, rather than to react and hurt them with emotion. I love Sherlock Holmes for this reason. “You can’t make an informed analysis or decision if you do not have all the information. All you can do is make assumptions, deductions, hypotheses about the subject when you don’t have all the information.” Useful when you’re an investigator, but when it comes to someone we know personally we tend to make assumptions, deductions, and hypotheses and then accept them as facts rather than what they are. We don’t bother to go to this person directly and ask them about it straight out. We just assume we know best without all the information and accept it as evidence and proceed to feel whatever we wanted to in the first place and react in an even worse manner. Sometimes we do this to people we don’t even know. Or people we think we know based off the assumptions and badly plastered together information of those closer to us. Then we form our own opinions without basis more reliable than our own fleeting experience and further the situation to make ourselves feel better about our own insecurities. The only way to solve a problem is to handle it. Ask questions directly, confront the issue, and try to understand objectively. When we assume, make judgment calls, and form opinions of others we are robbing them of their humanity and ourselves too. We all make mistakes. It never feels good to have them judged by anyone else. And we forget all too often that no matter the situation, we have all had our less appealing moments. You are not fucking perfect. You never will be. So why would you expect perfection from others when you yourself are not up to that standard? You are not better than anyone else. Life is a wheel. What is up will be down at some point so never look down on someone else because before you know it they could be looking down on you. We forget our humanity and love when we get upset and angry. Try a different method and perhaps you’ll solve the problem with a lot less drama and heartache.

What does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well that’s the sad part. We don’t have any accountability anymore. So instead of being honest about our feelings, confronting the situation head on, and focusing on solving the problem; we decide the best course of action is to justify our feelings, avoid the other person or be two-faced, and then when we’re feeling particularly brave we take to social media to “vent” or trash that person or their situation publicly, only we do it subliminally.  The term “some people” or some other wide ranged subliminal terminology is used so we don’t have to be accountable for our own feelings and actions after just judging someone else’s. Funny how that works huh? Now we can say whatever we want about whoever we want without any accountability or consequences for our actions. And to take it a step further, this inhumane way of voicing your feelings and judging others is given support by people who know just as much about the situation as yourself. “Likes” are most common on these posts because people love a good show. Sure there are a few who know a fraction about what you are talking about and they like it too. But I have news for you. The same people applauding your crowning, will applaud your beheading. People like a show. It makes them feel as though their lives are not nearly as fucked up as the next person’s. We feel as though we are justified in this matter by these “likes”, and by the fact that we aren’t specifically targeting someone publicly, but they know we are feeling some type of way about them when they read it. But some people have no idea you are upset with them specifically because you are being purposely subliminal and they probably figure that if it was them you were referring to, you would say something privately, and confront the situation because after all, you are friends. Other people read these attacks and feel that it is directed at them specifically when in reality, you would never say something like that to them. Yet they’re insecurity overpowers this. They feel hurt and confused. They don’t know who you’re talking to. But they think it’s them. Not your problem you say? Because they should know better, and if it’s bothering them that’s their problem. Little do we know the effect we can have on those close and not so close to us. It is our problem as a generation. We’re teaching the children under us that it’s okay to make assumptions without all the information and without investigating the facts. We’re teaching them that other people don’t have feelings, and if they do, they should be ashamed to have insecurities. We’re teaching them that ignoring the moment, and being on our phones is more important. That they can say whatever, bully whoever and that there are no consequences for their actions as long as they do it subliminally.

I am just as guilty of this as the next person but I’ve had a lot of therapy, grown quite a bit and I like to think I’ve matured at least enough to start recognizing this. I’ve been through quite a bit lately. I’m sure someone who reads this will think I’m speaking specifically to them but I am not. I am speaking to the humanity in each of us. What if something you said brought someone to the edge. That what you said caused them to take their own life, turn to a substance, or just give up completely? Would you still write it? Would you still post it? What if someone you loved was actually insecure enough to constantly think that what you said was a direct attack upon them or their character? Would you still say it? Not your problem I suppose, still? What about someone else writing something that effected someone you love enough to commit suicide? Is it your problem then? You bet it would be. But someone you don’t know somehow has less value in this world huh? Until we recognize humanity in everyone we can’t fully grow as a race. We get upset about racism and sexism, but what about that person we hardly know that we hear about all the time? Do you think about that person as a human being or some form of entertainment?

We each need to remember that we are all human and all make mistakes and choices based on the learning and information we have attained in our time here on earth. If you have an issue just confront it head on. One of the greatest things I’ve learned were the 4 agreements.

These will help you to avoid a lot of drama in the future. You will avoid a lot of heartache too. But as always remember that people are people. They have a right to be hurt by your actions or words. You have a right to choices and feelings just as much as the next person. But from now one I think we should try to remember that we are talking to real people who feel pain just like we do and make mistakes like we do. Be more thoughtful and grow your level of understanding instead of your need to justify your actions, opinions and individuality by tearing at another’s. Remember everyone has problems we don’t know about and hides pain and intentions that we are completely unaware of. It’s not their job to justify it by telling us, nor is it our job to make assumptions and judgments based on what little information we do have. Be objective, forgiving, forth coming, and face things head on. Life will go much smoother. If you have a problem say something. Don’t talk about things you can’t understand. Don’t talk about the people you love in a negative way. Talk to them if they do something that bothers you or that makes you feel a certain way. Solve the problem in an adult manner and don’t feed drama. Let be apart of growing humanity and furthering our souls instead of becoming hardened to the suffering of others and indifferent to the feelings of others as well.

I am a walking contradiction and complete conundrum

There is nothing really to say here the title says it all. My astrological placements make me quite confusing. Aries Sun, Scorpio Moon, and Ascendant or rising in Aquarius. The same placements as Harry Houdini! Not interesting to most people but I found it interesting because I confuse myself and others quite a bit.

My Sun sign is Aries.

Aries: Cardinal Fire
Ruler: Mars  
Keywords: Activity,  Initiation,  Energy,  Impulse

Positive Expression: courageous, bold, inspiring, intuitive, decisive, direct, bringing others from darkness into light, passionate service to the Ideal.

Negative Expression: foolhardy, egotistic, excessive bravado, selfish, self-oriented, unthinking, brusque, overbearing, zealotry

When the Sun moves into the sign of Aries, the Zodiacal year begins. And so, the principle of initiation is embodied by those who are born under this sign. Aries represents that spark of energy that instigates new life. Thus, at a most fundamental level, Aries are often motivated by the need to act. For Aries, the drive to initiate, to pioneer and to lead often figures strongly in life choices and direction. How easily they manage to do this will have much to do with the rest of the chart story. As the first sign of the Zodiac, Aries is all about ‘The New’. Those born under this sign have a particular affinity with the energy that is needed to get things off the ground. Aries tend to excel in the activity of starting something, but are not renowned for their ability to finish. Aries need to learn discipline, and to conserve their energies so that are able to continue and so, follow through. Aries are often found pioneering some new territory, and carving their own pathway through life. This approach will see them rise time and again to face the challenge of each new day. Aries must learn to harness this “will-to-act” in ways that are beneficial – not just for themselves, but for all parties involved. Accordingly, Aries tend to face each day with a sense of adventure and hopeful optimism, but must learn to temper their enthusiasm with consideration, and finding proper applications for their abundant, and at times excessive, energy. In many ways, they are the infants of the Zodiac, and so the motivating principle behind much of what they do comes from a child-like need to challenge, experience and explore. Aries likes to be first, and it is in the experience of competition where this is most easily expressed. The need to compete, with others or with life itself, is often found strong in those who are born here. The energy of competition is a necessary vitalizing force. It provides the impetus to move on. Knowing where the benchmark is gives Aries something to aim for, which is important as this provides stimulation and focus. Accordingly, Aries have a knack for continually drawing some form of confrontation or challenge into their lives. It is as if the energy needed to get something of the ground requires a catalyst to spark its initiating principle forward. Conflict with others or with practical considerations can be the spark that the Aries needs. The energy needed to overcome an obstacle can provide enough reason to take the challenge on. And yet, poor timing and false starts tend to be part of the process for the Aries individual.  They need to learn to balance their impulsiveness with the practical focus needed to strive and succeed. Eventually, Aries will learn to look and assess before the leap. Time and again, learning patience proves to be Aries best, and most hard-won, friend. As St Augustine said, “The reward of patience is patience”. Comprehending this represents an important turning point in the life of the Aries individual. For those born under this sign, there is a deep need to experience the self as the ruler of one’s own domain. Aries will tend to act in autonomous ways, and will often tend not to take others’ direction or advice. Aries do not like being told what to do, and often have trouble accepting the authority of others. While Aries will seek approval for their actions, they will display a very independent streak, and often tend to do exactly as they please. Aries specialize in captaining their own ships, and so, can fund a will to act that is based purely on courage and self-belief. They rarely require the approval of others before striking out on their own, and are often found in a position of autonomy, whether that is running their own businesses, heading their own department, or leading others in some area of their lives. They like to be at the vanguard, and prefer to be in charge. Following is only a temporary stop for those with a strong need to be out front and first. The urge to lead is part of the Arien nature.  As the initiating principle is so strong, Aries are often much better suited to life experiences and situations where they can call the shots in some way, and make their own success, as well as failure.This sign is known for its abundant enthusiasm. Combining enthusiasm with inspiration means that Aries are often first to see an opportunity, and make the most of it. This can work well for new enterprises, innovation and entrepreneurship. Yet Aries also need to learn to assess practically the idea that is before them, and recognize the difference between an idea that they feel passionately about, and one that is actually achievable. The spirit of forging ahead can be an asset, as much as a liability. Tempering passion with thought for correct procedure is essential for success. Aries can also be an especially self-centered sign, so that focusing only upon personal needs, wants and desires often leads to conflict with others. This level of enthusiasm is an inspiration, and others benefit from the Aries ability to scout out an opportunity. Yet this can become detrimental when Aries forget to consider others’ input, and steam-roll over ideas without giving them due consideration. One of the great lessons which needs to be learned by those born under the sign of Aries is that of cooperation, and Aries will have to learn to recognize when compromise and negotiation with others will actually assist them to bring into reality the vision that they are pursuing. When utilized wisely, this is precisely the kind of courage and leadership that is needed to start something new. Time, patience and maturity will help to discern which projects and ideas are worthy of completion. This sign embodies the principle of the element Fire, and so Aries tend to burn with an enthusiasm and force for all that is exciting and new. Fire tends to burn quickly and bright, It has a hunger to consume whatever is in its path. Aries are famous for their enthusiasm, and love to get things off the ground. They are also famous for their potential lack of follow through, and will quickly lose interest in an idea or project when they do not see quick results. In terms of timing, Aries have a preferred mode.  That preferred timing is NOW! Aries want results quickly and do not like to wait. This can lead to significant troubles down the track for those Aries who fail to finish what they have started in the rush to begin something new. Again, patience, perseverance and the willingness to compromise become essential ingredients for Aries to be able to experience the success and accomplishments that they are likely to need. As a rule, Aries tend to have pure and simple intentions behind much of what they say and do. They are the ‘infants’ of the Zodiac, and so, tend to be honest and direct. This is a fiery, passionate and desire-driven sign, yet these passions are often simple in origin and expression. As lovers they tend to be highly combustible, energetic and excited. As friends, they can be exciting, vivacious and fun. As colleagues they are driven and focussed on getting results. They have a high energy drive and often love all kinds of physical exertion. Yet, just as a baby is mostly motivated by its own immediate needs, Aries tend to concentrate foremost on exactly what they expect and want. In general, Aries are straightforward, direct and to the point. They prefer the truth at all times, and will usually “call a spade a spade”. For this reason, they do not tend to fare well with others who are more complex, subtle or calculating. Aries are usually honest, simple and sincere. They need to be treated with a similar degree of honesty, as they can be easily hurt. Aries can be easily wounded by others words and actions, and behind their brash and apparently confident exterior stands this inner “child”, easily cut down by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or this reason, they prefer to handle situations in ways that are open and direct, so that every knows exactly what is happening and what the expectations are. Aries is a sign connected to valour and nobility, and will fight for what is noble or just. So Aries tend to prefer honesty, and clear communication. They prefer to face the truth of something, deal with it, and move on. Aries can bring openness and clarity to many situations, and will happily put things ‘on the table’ for discussion. Yet Aries can also be at times insensitive to how others feel, and may forget to take the time to find out how others are affected by their latest conquest or battle plans. Aries need to develop sensitivity to what is happening in the world around them, and can inadvertently cause pain to other, more reflective or emotional, signs by forging ahead with current plans and challenges before others have even realized that the parameters of the game have changed. This Arien lack of consideration is hardly ever born of malice, but reflects more a basic failure to realize that there is anybody else with needs as important or as urgent as their own.. If you were born with The Sun in the sign of Aries, enthusiasm and energy are the gifts that you bestow. Your willingness to experience yourself as a dynamic and pioneering individual will say much about the quality of life that you lead. Aries bring new life and fresh energy to life’s experiences. As Deborah Houlding says “Impulsiveness, and the urge to take action is your gift and your strength, leaving the hesitating majority in shame….Being prepared to ‘let go’ of the unused and the outgrown is essential if you are to develop your full force and potential, and the ridding of weighty, unnecessary baggage allows you keep re-evaluating your beliefs and needs in the context of the “here and now”. Aries people are all about the moment. They tend to renew themselves by constantly experiencing the invigorating challenge of new beginnings and inspired activities. Courage, and the willingness to pioneer, are your calling cards and stand at the very essence of your being. Your challenge is to give yourself permission to instigate, pioneer and lead

My moon is in Scorpio.

Born with the Moon in Scorpio, you are likely to have intense emotional needs. Scorpio is a Water sign, pertaining to the emotional, psychological and spiritual dimensions of life. You are likely to seem penetrating, powerful, and transformative. Scorpio is a Fixed sign, suggesting that when you align your emotions with something you desire – be that friend or outcome – you are unlikely to let go of the object of your desire. A sense of emotional wellbeing comes from having close and truthful connections with others, allowing you to explore the depths of life. Depending on other influences in your chart, you are also likely to be passionate and compelling on an emotional level. You will seek intimacy in your relationships with others, and demand loyalty in return.

Powerful Emotions

This is not an easy place for the Moon to be. The Moon is considered in her “fall” in Scorpio, suggesting some challenge to how lunar qualities are expressed. Because the depth of your emotions – their strength and potential power – can be so intense, they can at times be overwhelming. Early on in life, you may find yourself swinging between extremes of emotional peaks and troughs, feeling intensely and acutely every dimension of life. You are reminded not to collapse yourself into your emotions, or believe just because an emotion has intensity it must be acted upon. Part of your nature requires you to allow strong feelings to unfold without being overcome by them.

When I don’t have a story to tell, I’m a terror to live with – Steven Spielberg, Moon in Scorpio

With time, and as greater self-awareness develops, you learn to make your way through the multiple layers of emotional introspection available to you. You gain great insight into yourself and others by developing a true sensitivity to the complexity of emotional needs. Rather than letting everybody know exactly what you are experiencing, you learn to keep your true feelings to yourself. Scorpio is also a sign of privacy. You are likely to prefer playing your cards ‘close to your chest’. Even those nearest to you may have no idea of the depth of emotional storms besieging you, and the relief that comes when the clear light of understanding eventually shines through.

Facing Things as They Are

You feel intensely, for better or for worse. This can at times make you seem vulnerable, but in truth you are likely to have much strength. Your emotional nature combines sensitivity with the instinctual awareness that real growth only happens through episodes of pain and transformation. No stranger to the truth, you are likely to prefer to see things for what they are – both in yourself and in other people. You are likely to have a highly developed ability to sense the emotional undercurrents around you. You tend to prefer dealing with the raw truth, pinpointing what you, and others, truly want and need in a situation – which may be confronting, but is always compelling. Through confronting things for what they really are, you bring light into your own and others lives. By entering and resolving emotional crises, you generate greater emotional or spiritual freedom for yourself and other people.

Take things as they are. Punch when you have to punch. Kick when you have to kick. – Bruce Lee, Moon in Scorpio

There may be a tendency to try and protect this vulnerability, hiding the true depths of what you really feel. This tendency to suppress your emotions can go both ways. On the one hand, you may try to detach from uncomfortable emotions, and avoid circumstances that will really get you to feel. You may protect yourself from close encounters with others, and find emotional release through fictional or fantasy-based sources. Or, you may attempt to control and dominate others with moodiness, lashing out at them before they can “get to you”. Defense is used as a form of offense to prevent others discovering how sensitive and vulnerable you really feel. Either way, you end up missing the benefit of true intimacy by not letting others share in how you feel. You need to develop trust in others by letting them into your life. This means listening to your own intuition, and choosing the right confidantes to share the real depths of your immensely loving heart.

A Need for Intimacy

For you, the exchange of emotional energy drives much of your desire. A need to be close and connect will keep emerging in your life. Through sharing your emotional resources, you uncover the truth about yourself. At the same time, you expose yourself to deeper levels of power and vulnerability. This process of self-exposure ultimately leads to a form of inner transformation that occurs through mutual intimacy. The goal of those born with the Scorpio Moon is to develop such levels of closeness in life. You need relationships to understand the world around and your place in it. Through connecting with others, inner peace is found. This lunar position is excellent for anything that requires an understanding other peoples’ motives and drives. A natural psychologist, you will be adept at sensing what others really feel and need. You can do well in any field that involves understanding others. How easily you do this will have much to do with what you are prepared to face in yourself. By exploring your own dark cupboards you learn to sense what others keep in theirs. This placement calls for great emotional honesty; an all-or-nothing preparedness to live from a position of power and truth. Your greatest gift is to bring light into your own and others lives by seeing things as they really are. You can transform what needs redeeming through accepting others as they are. If you fail to live from a place of honesty, you could display the more negative and poisonous potential of the Moon here. Overwhelmed by your own vulnerability, you could seek to destroy others. You may (unconsciously or not) try to take others down, rather than face the darkness within yourself. If this happens, you need to transform first the pain in your own life before involving yourself with others and having an influence on what they do with theirs.

I’m a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl – Bjork, Moon in Scorpio

An Agent for Change

At its highest level, the Moon in Scorpio gives you the ability to transform your own and others lives. You can act as an agent for change to become a catalyst for greater growth and awareness. You can help others shift their psychological values. The potential power contained here is enormous. You have the opportunity to be a force for change. Valuing your own and others privacy, you can be trusted to keep a confidence, and have a rare kind of understanding that is born from simply accepting things for what they are. You can be the one others turn to with their deepest secrets and most hidden pain. You may operate as a vault for other people, helping them share parts of their story that are too painful or difficult to deal with on their own. With your awareness of the depths of human nature and empathy for others, you can bear witness, offer counsel and help others heal.Finally, the Moon here often also brings highly developed intuitive and psychic gifts. You may find yourself drawn to explore the mysteries of life, wanting to know more about magic, alchemy or anything occult. Or you may just have very strong instincts, and get information about matters hidden from others in very subtle ways. As this sign relates to the transformation of energy, you will be drawn to anything that involves changing forms. You may have intuitive faculties that can be developed under guidance to assist your professional life, or you may be drawn to areas of life that expose you to crisis, and allow you to use gut instinct for making important decisions in the here and now

And I have Aquarius Rising.

The combination of Sun, Moon and Ascendant(or rising) describe what you want (Sun), what you need (Moon), and the style in which you will go about getting it (Ascendant/rising).

Planetary Ruler: Uranus or Saturn         

With Aquarius rising, a clearer sense of individuality is gained by stepping back and learning to look at life from an objective position. Such a detached perspective allows for a clear and logical assessment of the situations around you, and at times, lightning fast resolution of issues. Your awareness of group and social dynamics becomes paramount for your overall expression, and this may override purely personal concerns. This is the sign of the collective over the individual, the group over the singular. You are likely to have an especially detached and overarching view on society that allows you to mix with a great variety of people. If Aquarius is on your Ascendant, then you may be ideally suited to working with large groups of people, especially large organizations or groups that have concerns of a humanitarian nature at heart. You may also be drawn to arenas of science; politics or humanitarian endeavours, and have a strong social conscience. Often very adaptable to scientific innovation, you can take up the new easily and working with advances in technology, or in telecommunications can also be highlighted. Television and radio also fall under this sign, and there may be natural talents here. This is the sign associated with intellectual genius and sudden realizations. The intellect is often highly pronounced, and many with this sign rising are gifted with an innate intuition- able to see the gestalt of a whole system in one moment, and make pinpoint decisions based upon multi-leveled dimensions of information. There is likely to be a pronounced tendency to act in ways that will benefit the collective, rather than provide personal gain. This then is the rising sign of the true humanitarian, who gets what they need in ways that are socially responsible and considerate. Life is best met with a sense of hope and a happy vision for the future- knowing that through the right application of ideas and technology, humanity can be uplifted and evolve. You may be inclined to take up social causes, and to support the ideals of liberty, fraternity and equality for all. This rising sign is very idealistic, yet practical, and concerned with the proper outcome of human society. You may be somewhat rebellious and unorthodox, tuned into future ideas and events, over present realities. This is as it should be, for those with Aquarius rising are meant to “bring to earth” visions of future worlds. Accordingly, you may suffer at the hands of others because of your apparent eccentricities or unorthodoxies. You may have played the role of the outsider or someone different from an early age, used to following the beat of your own drum. In some ways,  this fits with your belief that you do not really fit anyway, and so allows you to continue being the rebel, renegade or outcast, ready to bring about the unorthodox and the new. In some persons with Aquarius rising, this level of future orientation does not manifest. Then there may be a tendency to display a serious and calculating demeanour concerned with social position and importance. Isolation and autonomy become strategies used to defend the self against close connection with others. In this instance, care must be taken not to become too rigid and crystallized as the years go by. A resistance to change, together with a shrewdly calculated social response, can lead to arthritic and nervous disorders down the track, as well as heart problems. With more conscious evolution, these kinds of personal desires will be viewed as inappropriate, and ideas larger than the personal self become important. Personal development comes about by remembering to honor the special things that make you uniquely you, and allowing for passion and emotion in your life, and in relationships. Extremes of emotion are not usually comfortable arenas of experience for Aquarius rising, and you may have to learn to value your passion, enthusiasms and emotions as valuable tools for personal evolution, rather than cumbersome and embarrassing inconveniences. It will help to recognize the very human dimension of emotion, as well as the need for recognition, as these individual traits are essential for healthy individuals as well as communities. You may tend to be too rational at times, uncomfortable, or even unfamiliar, with the emotions that surface in other people. You may also be very uncomfortable when these emotions surface from within yourself. It is likely that you will react by trying to detach yourself from such experiences. Yet you will find your greatest happiness comes about when you find the joy and love that is lying beneath most outbursts of emotion and intensity, learning to redirect this emotion toward the benefit of all. You may denigrate and look down upon others when they seek to be recognized and seen as important, for you have an innate dislike of self-centered behaviours, and a tendency to view emotional neediness as a curious weakness found in lesser beings. Opening up to the emotional and passionate dimensions of your being helps you to avoid too much aloofness, or cool objectivity, and lets you realize that in order to be truly human, you need to respond with both reason and emotion to life’s experiences.

In this way, you gain a clear understanding, and not just an abstract idea, of what a human being is, and should be.

If you’d like to check yours out and you know the placements, visit starslikeyou.com which is where I am reblogging all of  this from.

This may turn into a rant, so if it does I apologize. But however this comes out, it needs to be said. I will do my best to control it. There’s a couple of things I’ve picked up on in other’s around me recently. When this first happened, I noticed that everyone around me seemed to be in some sort of upheaval or turmoil. And that’s not exactly different from any other day really, except that I was just chillen. Like a lighthouse in the storm, giving comfort to my friends who are going through it right now. Which was super cool because honestly, I’ve worked super hard to remove drama from my life. I always tell people too, that if you don’t want drama you have to remove yourself from situations AND people that create and perpetuate it. Now look, I’m not knocking any of my people on their struggle at the moment, because I’ve been there, and I’m sure you have too. So don’t go taking it like that because that’s not what this is. I had to make a conscious decision and effort to remove myself from these situations and certain people who no longer belonged anywhere near my life. Time will tell if some of them still do. But When other people around me are going through their storms now, I don’t get caught up in it. Which is something that was a natural reaction for me in the past. Now, instead of letting myself get pulled into another’s storm, I pull them into my peace instead. I try to be a source of comfort and strength to those people when they’re in their darkest hours. I’ve been there you know? I know how hard it is not to get caught up in the stress and worry and anxiety that comes with situations that seem hopeless. Yes, I have been down in that hole many a time and had to dig my damn self out of it, time and again. But something I’ve learned through all the bullshit this life has dumped on me, is that life is a wheel. You have to learn to take the lows in stride, and enjoy the highs when you have them. Life is about changing, nothing ever stays the same. So when the chips are down, you need only be still and ride it out because life will shoot back up again in no time. It can’t rain all the time.

Now I know all too well, that it’s easy to get stuck and let your mind run away with itself and let the fear take over. But no one ever got anywhere by being afraid all the damn time! Whatever situation you are caught in will only perpetuate itself if you keep feeding it your energy. When I feel like shit, the first thing I want to do is do something nice for someone else. This is a great exercise to remember that, generosity of spirit creates generosity of spirit. Also that life is never as bleak and hopeless as your over thinking mind has made you believe. There is always hope. You have to learn that there will be good that comes with bad. There is dark and light. Good and evil. Democrats and republicans. Up and down. Highs and lows. Until the world becomes enlightened enough to recognize that these are all parts of a same whole and that what God is, is in everything. We will never make it past the duality of this plane. God is in everything. Don’t blame God for your bullshit either. Because people are the ones who make choices. But don’t blame other people for your lot in life either! Man the fuck up and take some responsibility for your circumstances or your part in them. If you don’t like your life, the people in it, or where you’re at, then fucking change it. Nobody is going to jump in and save you! Nobody is ever going to be able to fix you! And no one is ever going to change you. You have to want the change yourself! You have to do it yourself. Yes that seems very frustrating, and it doesn’t mean nobody is there for you either. You can have a hundred people cheering you on and giving you total support, but until you give a shit enough, grow up enough, or just have had enough, you aren’t going to do shit about it until you’re ready. That’s why I get so frustrated with people who complain about how shitty their life is or drudge up shit in the past because they use it as an excuse to further perpetuate this vicious cycle they’ve become so accustomed to. Sure drama gets you attention. But certainly not the good kind. Let me let you in on a little secret. People love a show. The same people cheering on your coronation, will be cheering on your beheading! Be careful who you tell your business to because not everyone is your friend. People love to talk about something they’ve seen or something they’ve heard. And they don’t give two shits about your feelings most of the time they’ll run around and blast someone they don’t even know on a social media sight just because they think it’s cute to be hateful and ugly.

Now I’m not saying that any of my people don’t have real shit going on because when they hit me up, most of them do. Which is why I do tend to get frustrated with trivial bullshit and crybabies who think their life is so damn hard that they have to ruin everyone else’s vibe around them. So let me take a second to level with you about this. Bear with me here. Because when someone complains about needing money and I see them sitting down on their ass, I have to wonder… Is it that you think the world owes you something? Do have some sick ass sense of entitlement that you think everything should just be given to you on a silver platter? Here’s a wake up call. YOU DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING! THE WORLD DOESN’T OWE YOU A FUCKING THING! At the end of the day all you will have is yourself to rely on so you better pull your head out of your ass and figure out how to get yourself out of the hole you dug yourself into. And I have news for you. There are people with much bigger problems out there than you. And I bet they don’t go around complaining, if they do, they have a right to. But you? Are you in constant terror that you will be bombed by a drone or lose a child to some psycho terrorist cutting off heads? NOPE. Are you fighting cancer? Nope. Are you living on the street and wondering how you can survive in a world that jails people who feed the needy and homeless? Nope. Are you being physically abused by a significant other? no. Are you so damn hopeless that you feel like ending your life? NO. Do you have a family of 5 to feed and just got laid off because your entire fucking city went bankrupt? No!? Then, quit complaining about getting paid to sit on your ass and do nothing. Quit making a mountain out of a fucking mole hill to make yourself feel more important. There is always someone out there with bigger problems than you and there are so much bigger issues to worry about in this world than your trivial complaints. People all over the world are rising up to fight for basic human rights and you’re pissed off you have to sit inside with your smart phone all day and get paid to not do a fucking thing. Really!? People are rioting and fighting for the freedoms that we just wipe our ungrateful asses with and give away at the first sign of terror. I have news for you folks. When shit goes down you will search with no luck, for someone to blame all this shit on and you need only look in a mirror.

When the top 5% is controlling 90% percent of the world’s wealth and more people are starving and homeless than ever there is something wrong. When a 90 year old war veteran goes to jail over feeding the homeless and we make laws against homelessness and helping them, there is something really wrong. We make homeless and then punish them and those who help them. When we care more about the well-being of pedophiles than we do about their victims, and put them on probation, instead of in jail, there is a real problem. There are things at play to make the internet no longer free, schools are being told not to teach the civil rights movement and peaceful protest, our rights are being taken away and infringed upon little by little until there are no more left. That is a big problem. Children are being beheaded and people crucified on the other side of the world by religious psychos! Holy war is breaking out again and there are people being killed like fish in a barrel by routine bombings! So forgive me if I don’t seem sympathetic when it comes to you not having any weed. Forgive me if I don’t give a shit about your roommate issues. We have huge fucking problems on our hands people. And if you’re one of the ignorant people who think it’s none of your business because it doesn’t effect you, just check up on how that shit worked in Natzi Germany. How it started with a charismatic leader. Then book bans. Then gun confiscation. Then art and free thinkers. Music. People. I was raised by wolves I know how to think like one and I can see a plan laid out before it’s enacted. We have bigger fucking problems going on in the world. That’s all I’m trying to say. Your life is not that bad. And if it is you can change it. Make a plan and follow through. Grow up and bring about change. Give a shit about more than just your fucking self. Try to see the big picture. I know it’s hard and the world doesn’t give a shit about you right? So why should you give a fuck? Well because we’re are all connected. Your actions effect those around you and like a ripple effect those around them. So if all your perpetuating is negativity, drama and violence, then that’s what you will see manifesting itself in your life and in those around you. But the next time your tempted to react in the same old way, do me a favor. DON’T! React differently or just be still. Don’t move til God says move and watch how quickly things change in your life. You may not have the power to control others or certain situations, but you do have the power to control your response. And this will change your life. Stop giving into fear, drama, gossip, hate, anger, and depression. They only serve to drain you and do nothing but take away your gratitude for what does matter in life. Stop being ungrateful all the Goddamn time! Lighten up and spread love. Because hate isn’t the opposite of love, indifference is. But the only thing to combat all the hate taking over this planet, isn’t more hate and violence, it’s love. Love is the only thing that will heal this world. Love in all it’s forms. Compassion, Hope, Caring,Empathy, Comfort, and Kindness are all forms of love we can show each other to help combat the ever growing state of chaos in this world. Love makes order out of chaos. Evil has many agents in this world trying to offset the balance of duality. Chaos is one of these agents. But even in the darkest times we can’t lose hope. We must never give up. No matter what bad happens to us we must not give into hate and fear. Continue to love even when it hurts. Give faith a fighting chance and never let the little shit grow into something it isn’t. Instead of complaining,be grateful. Instead of worrying, trust in the unseen forces. God has not and never will abandon us. Instead of blaming, take responsibility for what you can. Instead of fighting with those you love, apologize. When you see an injustice, don’t ignore it, be a catalyst and bring about change. Relate to others instead of judging or making assumptions about them. No one on this entire fucking earth is perfect! That includes you. So drop the arrogance and the self-hatred because both of these things put you at the center of the universe. And guess what? You’re not! Instead of perpetuating drama, don’t participate! Give advice and be content that you helped as best you could. Love is the only thing that heals pain. And it is the most powerful force on earth. So use it to your advantage! Work to be the person you want to attract or be someday. Or stay stuck in the cycle you feel comfortable with because you’re too afraid of success, or failing, or pain, or whatever bullshit excuse you give yourself. The choice is yours. But at the end of the day YOU have to live with it.

A few things I’ve learned in the past year

I haven’t written in a long time. I have been learning new lessons and progressing on my path slowly, but surely. And finally tonight, I got the long awaited writing bug again. So I thought I would just let go and let my higher self speak through me again for the first time in a long time. The main thing I have learned in this past year, is that it isn’t about perfection, it’s about progression. I am an extremely imperfect human being. I have many faults and many flaws. But I have learned that as long as I am working on things in small ways, I am making progress. I have also learned to love my flaws and my faults. My mistakes do not make me who I am. And the pain I have endured and the scars left behind are now proudly warn on my skin like armor. I have been able to remember who I am and be proud of what I have been through because my ability to overcome these things has made me who I am. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I deserve to be happy. I have learned that an issue will repeat itself over and over until I get the lesson from it. It will show up in different forms or people, but it is the same issue. I have learned what toxic people can do to your life. I have learned that you see people’s true colors when you are no longer a benefit in their lives. I have learned that some people will destroy your life if you allow them to because they are dead set on dragging everyone else around them down too. I have learned I can break away and still be just fine. I have learned that who I am with does not determine my worth, nor will it influence it. I’ve learned that people who truly love you will not disrespect or treat you badly. I’ve learned to recognize a toxic relationship when it’s happening. I have learned that God is just as much in control of my love life as he is the large problems in my life. I have learned to let go of control of these things and let God do his thing. I have learned that what is meant to be, will always find a way. And what is not will so obviously fall away. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it’s yours, if not something else is waiting. God doesn’t give us what we want, he gives us what we need. This includes people. Some people, are in our lives for a reason and others just for a season. God will use situations to accomplish his plans for us. No matter how crazy they seem at the time. All things work together for good. He will use situations to remove people from our lives who we are unable to get rid of ourselves, and he will use situations or circumstances to put people in our lives who are and always were meant to be there. True love is not easy. Sometimes it’s the right person wrong time, or you choose the wrong person at the right time. No matter what, everything happens for a reason. God is the force behind the chessboard moving us around in seemingly insane patterns that actually make sense when we look at them. God communicates with all of us, we need only be still and listen. Trust the still small voice inside. It is never wrong and it’s God’s way of leading us where we are supposed to be. A series of synchronistic moments, scripture, people, small children, signs, God will always show you where to go if you ask and are willing to pay attention and listen. One of mine happens to be a white rabbit, ironically enough, instead of me heading down a hole, it’s a little way for me to know I am where I should be and moving along the right path. God is not subtle. He makes things obvious and will bring it up again and again until we listen. He will place us in seemingly impossible situations just so we have to learn to trust him and turn over control to him. Your passion is your purpose. Whatever it may be. It is apart of the plan for your life. Lay it down, and God will pick it up and do his wonders with it. It may take a while for it to fall into place but everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Hate cannot overcome hate. Only love can overcome hate. Pass as much love as you can in this world and encourage them to pay it forward as well. The world becomes darker by the day because of indifference and complacency. Love each other and stand up for what is right. Even if you stand alone. Hell happens when the evil in this world exceeds our belief that we can conquer it. The only way to conquer it is with love. Let our love be so strong that it reinforces the strength of the light in this world. Nothing is hopeless. The law of life is that it is always darkest before the dawn. What is down must go up and what is up will eventually go down. It’s a circle or a wheel or a roller coaster, no matter which way you see it you might as well enjoy the ride and do a little good along the way. Beware when seeking out the light, chaos has agents as well and they seek to extinguish hope and light. Never give up. Worrying never gets anyone anywhere but more stressed out. Learn to trust in the unseen forces. When you let go, things grow the way they should. Some people are assholes. That’s just how it is. No matter what you do they will not like you. Who cares? Do they pay your bills or put food on your table? Nope? Then who gives a fuck what they think? If people do not appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone. People are generally selfish and self-centered, love them anyway. But don’t let them affect your day. True inner peace comes when other people or situations no longer affect your emotions. Anything is possible with inner peace. Happy people generally don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. They’re too busy living their lives and know it only matters what God thinks. If you care about what others think you have a rude awakening coming, because those people don’t lay in your casket with you. It’s a solo ride. They aren’t there with you in court and they won’t be there when you’re judged. Do what is right for you. Other people’s paths are theirs and theirs alone it’s not your business what they have to learn and it’s none of theirs what your lessons may be. However everything is connected by light and that includes all of us. So act accordingly and recognize that your actions do impact those around you. So try to act with love and care, even when you know damn well someone could use a good punch in the head. People that are a pain in the ass are usually the ones who need the most love and kindness in this world. Family isn’t always about blood. It’s about the people in your life who want you in theirs: the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what. The people who always have your back even when you’ve turned it on them. The ones who love you when you make it impossible to sometimes. Never turn your back on family, even when they do. Family is the most important thing. Appreciate what God gives you. Even if it isn’t quite what you expected or thought you wanted. He knows best. The right people will always be in your life regardless of distance, time or convenience. Spend time with the people you love, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. The people meant to be in your life, the right people, will make an effort. Anything forced, is not meant to be. You will never have to fight for a spot in someones heart if they truly love you. They will never make you feel second best, or taken for granted. Love is patient and kind. It doesn’t keep records of wrongs and it isn’t ever jealous or boastful. If it doesn’t make these standards it’s loves ugly, wannnabe cousin, INFATUATION. Infatuation parades around pretending to be love, like it’s your knight in shining armor, when really it’s just an asshole in tinfoil. An asshole can dress itself up, but it’s still an asshole. Love makes you feel good and inspires you to be better and hope for a new day. It doesn’t drag you down and disrespect you or belittle you when it’s angry. It may play fight but never means to hurt another. No love will ever come close to the unconditional love I get from God. A very select few have come close and the rest just fell short. Grace is God’s way of unconditionally loving and forgiving us. It’s unmerited favor. In other words, it’s the kind of love that isn’t deserved, but is given anyway. Like rain it washes away the dirt from our souls and makes us clean again. It’s love even when we’re being shitheads and don’t deserve it. This love will sustain you and the right love will come extremely close to it. Those people who are family, that I mentioned above? Those are the ones who mimic true love and grace. They love us when we are unlovable and forgive us even when we have been completely horrible. When things seem to be going wrong in your life, that’s when you should pay the most attention, because God is working in your life. It’s in the moments when things are insane and hopeless, that God uses to mold us into who we should be and accomplish his plan. Even the small, “Just so happens” stuff. Got a flat tire? Maybe he kept you from an accident. Fight with a significant other? Maybe he’s showing you who they are. Pay attention when everything seems to be going wrong because God is right there working in your life. Even if it seems like everything is fucked up, trust that all things work together for good. Drama is nonsense and life is too short to be so unhappy all the damn time! Don’t sweat the small shit. Let it go and let God deal with it. People and situations are powerless without your reaction. Negative attention is still attention. Don’t let some asshole ex ruin your whole day. People will always find someone or something to say about you and that is none of your business. Nothing pisses off a hater more than to know you are completely unaffected by their bullshit and that they have no hold or sway over you. Let old shit go. It rains on the just and unjust alike. Shit happens and yes it does suck, but it’s how you handle it that determines who you become. Forgive and let God handle it. Some people are mean and feel like shit about themselves and feel the need to attack others to feel less small. Do not let these people have any sway over your emotions. UNFUCK YOURSELF- Be who you were before all the stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine! Shit happens to everyone and we all have shit to get over. You are not the only one with problems and holding onto them just causes more. Shine your light and be unafraid to love and be loved. Fuck what anyone thinks or has to say it’s your life. Be happy! Let yourself be wild and free in a way that’s healthy instead of self destructive. Move away from negative people, situations, and thoughts. They don’t serve your best interest and there is no need to break yourself to fit other people’s mold of what and who you should be. It’s okay to be a little nuts. No genius ever existed without a touch of madness. Respect other’s boundaries and always defend yours. Don’t let people push you around or manipulate you into doing things or being someone you aren’t. Love yourself. No matter how fucked up you think you are there is always someone out there more fucked up and there is no one else quite like you. The right person for you will love you no matter what and appreciate your unique flavor of fucked up. Anyone who doesn’t, isn’t worth your time. Too much of anything is never good. Try to keep your balance, unless it is a big issue and luke warm isn’t an option, (like those boundaries I was talking about.) Fear is bullshit and it keeps us from happiness. Fuck fear. It’s another form of evil in my eyes. Nobody ever got anywhere by being afraid all the time. Take a chance. If you fail, try again. Nothing is set in stone. If you have gotten yourself in a whole it is your job to get yourself the fuck out. Stop blaming God and other people for your problems. If you don’t like your life, or who you’ve become, change it. Save your fucking self. Fix your broken parts and wear the scars like armor. Hold your head high and remember you are made of stars and light. Give love freely without ANY thought of it in return. When people show you who they are it’s best to believe them. But recognize that people are capable of change and progress. Every experience we have with someone is new and fresh. Try not to tar them with the same brush or a brush meant for someone else. The beauty you see in others is a reflection of you. See in yourself what you wish others to see. Stop dressing in shadows when there is a world full of people just waiting for you to shine so they can feel comfortable shining their own light. Don’t withhold love ever. Effort is the Siamese twin of success. There is more to effort than just switching gears, and in terms of what one should give in this life, sweat holds more value than tears. YOU HAVE TO TRY. Don’t condemn or judge others. Read. There is a world full of knowledge and adventure out there and reading enhances the soul. Hold onto all that you are in your core. Find your core and nourish it with everything you are passionate about. Don’t let the world make you hard. Hold onto your light. Share it and let it be what it was meant to be in all it’s glory. You will never be perfect. But it’s about progress, not perfection. And progress, no matter how small is still progress and growth. Believe in yourself.

Point of View

Recently, I’ve been working on a lot of personal growth. Many things have contributed to this change in my life. New friends, new boyfriend, new goals, new blessings, new church, new challenges, new books, and a new point of view on a few things. This all got me thinking about our fear of the new or different. Why do we fear change? Is it the uncertainty that things won’t be the same? Do we have some great illusion of control in our lives that makes us think that we are in fact able to stop change or that we, at this very moment, are different than we were yesterday, last month, six months ago, or last year? Every second your body is regenerating itself and in fact growing older and changing. It’s a small change. So we don’t notice it right off the bat. But as the years progress we start to see the difference in our manner, physical features, relationships, reactions, and much more.

It’s not until we stop and notice the growth we’ve developed that we think ‘Wow, look how far I’ve come.’ I’ve started to see this change in myself and realize that I have come really far since I started this blog. Before all I could do was think to myself when is it gonna get better?! Why is everything so fucked up and why am I a piece of shit!? But I never was, never have been. It was my point of view. And perhaps the point of view of some people around me. And very well, might still be the point of view of some of them. But luckily, I am back in a place where I really don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. That’s who I was before I moved here. That’s who I was before I tried to be something I wasn’t. It feels so good to feel this way again. And It’s all due to the fact that I can love myself again. I can look in the mirror and be proud. I am doing the best I can with what I have and will only get better as time progresses. I’ve had some new deep connections with people who are definitely vibrating on the same frequency as I am. These people have empowered me and taught me so much about myself in such a short period of time that I can only see the inner workings of how everything has come together to form a well scripted plotline for my personal growth.

These people I am growing with are amazing. They restore my faith in humanity. I have always had this unconditional love in my heart for the whole of humanity. Even while the random, irritating individual does throw me off occasionally, I’ve learned a few things from someone I respect and admire immensely regarding how to handle such slight annoyances. He told me,
“Sure there are always going to be people who piss you off, but you have to decide whether it’s worth it to waste your energy on them.”
Now, that isn’t to say that no one is worth my energy. But it shed a whole new light on how I handle things on a daily basis. I feel connected to people, all people. So I have strong reactions to their stupidity, selfishness, need for drama, passive aggressiveness, ignorance, and indifference. But then I learned something about the world through a book called the four agreements. The agreement that hit me hardest, was don’t take anything personally. What a concept. What other people do, isn’t about me, it’s about them. So when some guy is throwing a temper tantrum here in the airport, and belittling me because he didn’t have the sense to read his contract, it’s his issue, not mine. I don’t have to let another human being waste my energy and piss me off all because they are upset. That’s transference of energy folks. And people do it all the time. It’s a control battle for energy all over the planet in different forms. I happen to be deeply in touch with the source and all of its endless energy so I thought, why not just share that light and energy with everyone and then there is no need for the battle of energies to occur?
Besides, I can’t help anyone if I’m pissed at them. So I’ve started to try to understand people, since I happen to be extremely keen on reading them, instead of brushing off they’re existence or getting frustrated with them. And when you seek to understand someone rather than control them, you become much more tolerant as a person, of the afore-mentioned, minor frustrations. Everyone vibrates on their own frequency which ties us together as a whole. Kind of like a flash mob symphony. One person’s music is beautiful on its own. And that person does the best they can with what they have been given and plays their instrument according to their level of experience. And when more instruments start joining in, the symphony gets stronger, more harmonic, more beautiful. And it’s all working toward the perfection of the entire orchestra and the symphony. But it’s not all about perfection. Sometimes the most beautiful changes or imperfections in the music make the whole more beautiful. And the source is the great conductor of this symphony and listens to every individual frequency or sound and gives the player the music or lessons it needs to help its progression. So how can I get upset at what is not mine to fix. It is my job to notice the imperfection and love it regardless. To help it progress in my own way if I can because my experience level is better tuned. And those more experienced players than I, help me to progress and grow.
Hans, the person I mentioned earlier, is much more experienced than I am. His frequency is much higher than mine, but I knew that from the start and the things he says and reading his book have also helped me up my frequency considerably. So have my other new friends. Each in their own way helps me play my instrument that much better simply by playing theirs nearer to mine and vice versa.
So my point of view on lots of things has begun to change. I don’t see the random butthead as throwing off my sound because they are too lazy to tune theirs, I see it as my duty to play louder and nudge them gently in the direction to help their growth. And if they don’t want my guidance I simply play louder and more beautifully. So as hopefully to inspire others to do better with what they have and more finely tune their frequency.
When I see someone playing beautifully and with great skill it inspires me to do better. “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” Mama always says. So instead of thinking I should do something to make a person want to progress, I just set the example now, or at least the best example I can with what I have at my disposal at the moment. There is no need to control the instruments around me in order to have perfection. It’s perfect the way it is and the source hears the whole thing. Sometimes if I still my mind enough, I can too. And I have a much deeper appreciation for the whole and the imperfections that make it up. I no longer judge those who make mistakes and treat me badly because that’s their issue, not mine. It’s their drama, not mine. And some people when they see you playing to your own tune and smiling, feel compelled to cause you to trip up. They want you to keep playing at their level or be involved in their drama. Pay them no mind and continue to sparkle and shine. Don’t apologize for being on a different frequency and refusing to lower it to their level. It’s not about you it’s about them. Some people help us grow by example and others by trying to play everyone else’s instruments the way they want it. Let it go it’s on them, not you. I even have a deep found compassion for the current antagonist in my personal life. Because I can read her. She’s insecure and found a frequency she thinks she can control. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. But it isn’t my place to step in and lower myself to their level. My place is to simply, play mine and watch them play to their own tune until one of them progresses past it. It’s not my lesson. And I am grateful he finally has the chance to learn. Even if it is a hard lesson and a hard thing to watch.
I hope that my point of view opens yours up, but if not that’s fine too. We all listen to the music when we are individually ready so don’t be upset with those who seem deaf or unable to hear it. They will. In time. We all do. Just keep on playing your instrument to the best of your ability and let yourself shine in all the glory you were created in. There’s a piece of the conductor in each of us and it’s all about growing and progressing our frequency to get back on point with his. He doesn’t care about perfection, he cares about progression!

I would also like to take this opportunity to ask you to read my friend, Hans Christian Hollenbeck’s book Highpoint. It is an amazing book with a Da Vinci code type plotline, but far above Dan Brown in my opinion and far more enlightened. This book will keep you on your toes guessing and perhaps enlighten you a little more on the subject I just spoke of. It was written by an incredible person with an even more incredible mind and I couldn’t do it justice, in just reviewing it. Please read it! You can order Highpoint and other short stories with a twilight zone feel at http://www.hanshollenbeck.com Please support a brilliant mind who supports me and helps me grow! We need more readers and writers in this world! Originality is so rare that it is becoming extinct. We need more original thought and less sequels in this world! Thank you for supporting my mind and my growth and I thank you in advance for supporting his!

What’s your purpose?

We all have the question run through our minds at some point in our lives. What am I doing here!? What is the purpose of my existence and what is my purpose in life? We often feel disconnected or even annoyingly idle in our lives if we don’t feel some deep meaning or purpose. Or if we aren’t on track with our higher calling or purpose. I can tell you that I am no stranger to this feeling. I often scream to myself sometimes, ‘WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?’. Almost as if the universe or God is going to give me a straight answer. And I never got one until recently.

Lately I have been watching a lot of TEDtalks and I stumbled upon one where Rick Warren, the author of The purpose driven life, and in his book as well as his lecture on the TEDtalk: A life of purpose, he talks about our need for a purpose in this life. We think to ourselves ‘There’s got to be more than life to this.’ and how our lives matter. We matter to the world, the Universe, and God. Even if we don’t feel like it most of the time. We matter. I know all kinds of people all over the world and they’re all unhappy with their jobs, relationships, financial situations, etc.. And I’m not saying that once you find your purpose that’s all going to disappear, because it won’t. Even people who are living their purpose in life have stress. It just comes with the territory, accept it and move on. Everyone thinks that we as humans are wired to consume, and acquire. And of course we’re constantly inundated by the media and television ads saying we need more. BUY MORE! A new t.v. will fix it all! But at the end of all that consuming and buying, are we really happier? Or do you feel buyer’s remorse and torture yourself over buying and acquiring a bunch of useless shit that, let’s face it, probably didn’t do much to improve your well-being or quality of life? My guess is the latter. I know because I am just as guilty of it as the next person. I want to look good, feel good and have the goods. But I still don’t need any of that stuff. And it only serves as a distraction from the question of ‘What am I doing here!?’ We are not wired to consume and acquire. If that were the case, the people with all the money in the world would be the happiest people on the planet, but they’re not. Money can’t buy you happiness. That’s why you continue to buy more even though you know it won’t help. We are wired to serve. And I don’t mean that some of us are wired to be slaves or anything like that. We are here to contribute to the planet! We are here to serve the greatest good possible. By this, I don’t mean that you don’t matter individually either. Quite the opposite actually. The greatest contribution you can give, and truly, your one obligation on this planet is to be the unique individual you were created to be.

You may be thinking, what’s so special about me? I’m no different from most people. I have nothing special or unique about me. But that’s not true. In this TEDtalk Rick Warren talks about how God asked Moses in the Bible, “What’s in your hand?”. In Moses’ hand was a staff. A Shepard’s staff. And God told him “Lay it down.” And in the movie version the staff turns into a snake. And with that staff Moses performed the miracles in Egypt. That staff just wasn’t some talisman for Moses to do tricks with. God has better things to do than to go around showing how powerful he is by causing parlor tricks. Moses’ staff was a symbol of his identity, income, and influence. When God asked “What’s in your hand?”, he already knew the answer. He was saying I’m going to take who you are, what you are good at, what makes you, uniquely you, and ask you to lay it down so that I can make it come alive.

Every one of us is wired from the time we are born to do something. If you are a carver, you carve. If you’re good at making deals, make deals. If you inspire people, inspire people. If you’re a singer, you sing. If you’re wired to be a scientist, you’re a scientist. There is something you are good at that makes you who you are. It’s your identity. It jazzes you up! And to answer a possible next question as to what your gift might be, it’s something you enjoy doing because you enjoy it. It’s not something you use to glorify yourself or further yourself to acquire more. It’s what makes you feel happy and alive. What serves the higher purpose. What drives you. If you think your gift is helping others for instance, and you do it for a while and then get upset because no one is thanking you or acknowledging you in all your helpful glory; helping others is not your gift. You’re looking for affirmation, not helping others. If helping others is your gift you will do it, just to do it, without any expectation.

So what’s in your hand? What makes you jazzed up on the inside? What is it that makes your color blend so beautifully with the tapestry of the world, that without it, the tapestry just isn’t the same? Whatever it is, lay it down. Use it for the greater good of all. That’s how the world works, by the way. Many leaves, one tree. What you do and who you are makes the world a better place and without it, it just wouldn’t work the same way. All of our singular uniqueness contributes to the whole. And don’t you know that when you do what you are wired to do, the Universe and God smile and say ‘That’s my Girl! or That’s my Boy!’ You don’t have to be doing something spiritual to make God happy. God is happy when you be YOU! When you are doing what you were born to do. If you have many talents, use them all! But I guarantee that there is something you do that makes you who you are. So lay it down and watch it come alive.

I feel like when we do this we find more meaning and significance in our lives. The stress doesn’t seem so bad and things just sort of fall into place. And we lose our way in this world sometimes because we are being programmed to not follow what makes us unique. Instead of appreciating the different we view it as dangerous and something to be feared. That we aren’t important because we are apart of the whole. But it’s the variable of each of us that makes this equation work. What would the world be like without you? A great lesson from It’s A Wonderful Life! It just wouldn’t be the same! We also tend to notice our loneliness and disconnectedness from the whole when we feel no great purpose or significance in our lives. So we engulf ourselves in another person hoping that will give us purpose and we won’t feel so alone. Well darlings, I have news for you, if you aren’t being you, you will always feel lost and alone, no matter who you engulf yourself in. It’s yet another extreme to acquire when you get into a relationship trying to find meaning. Because yet again, we are told that if you are married and have children you’ll be happy and have meaning. I’m not going to lie, my daughter is a big part of my purpose in life. I am good at being a Mom. Not all the time, but I do it because it makes me feel good to be her Mom. But losing yourself in another individual is just going to further you away from your purpose or what’s in your hand. It’s another distraction from what you’re supposed to be doing. That’s why people become idle and cheat. What makes you who you are also helps you not be dependant or co-dependant on others for your happiness. For some it’s a fine existence. I’m not knocking those who participate in it. The same thing, day in and day out. Same routine. It works for some people. But you wouldn’t be on my blog about what’s your purpose in life, if you were content with just existing. You’re asking yourself ‘WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?’. And again, the answer isn’t in buying more shit, acquiring a hot girlfriend, or getting all the money you can get your hands on. It’s what’s in your hand. What your wired to do. And when we get into these dependant or co-dependant relationships, we tend to neglect what makes us unique and what makes us come alive. We all do it. You get into a relationship, and you stop going to the gym, stop cutting your hair, eating unhealthy, drinking, becoming reclusive, etc.. The point is all of this happens because you aren’t fulfilling your higher calling or purpose. You no longer make time to do what makes you come alive because you are too engulfed in the thrill of another person. But then it starts to fade and get boring and you wonder why all of a sudden there’s no more romance, you’re getting fat, and you feel bored and frustrated. Because you are not fulfilling your purpose. You are not being you. You are attached at the hip to another person and can’t even remember, if you ever knew at all, how to be happy and do things that make you happy on your own. If you look for meaning in another person or thing, you will not find it. All you’ll find is another distraction from what’s really wrong. If you are being you and doing what makes you come alive, you are more likely to find another person who is being who they are and doing what makes them come alive. You have purpose on your own, you are happy on your own, and the same goes for them. You will be two equally independent people, who, when brought together make an even better couple, but are still amazing on their own.

You want meaning in your life? You want to know what you are doing here? The answer is in your hand. What is in your hand? What can you do with what’s in your hand? If you’re a basketball player there is a basketball in your hand. With that, come a lot of money, power, respect and influence. What will you use those things for? To buy more needless shit that you’ll regret later? Or use it to improve the quality of the life on this planet. Even if it means being as miniscule as only helping those less fortunate than yourself. Lay it down, so it can come alive. Don’t use it for selfishness, use it to contribute what you were uniquely born to contribute to this world. I guarantee you’ll know your purpose immediately. Because you will feel so happy by doing it, that you’ll want to do it all the time. What’s in your hand?

Mama

Mama, I love you so much. I’m so sorry for all the times I hurt you. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and I vent my hurt and pain and never stop to think of the pain or hurt I’m causing. So I’m sorry I’ve held onto so much for so long. When I was little I remember that thanksgiving when all we had was chocolate cake and you were so upset. And I told you ‘At least we have each other.’ Thats all it ever was huh Mama. We were a team and I loved you so much for that. I could never understand why you always needed love from a man. I didnt understand why I was never enough. But now I understand. I’m sorry I lost that positivity. I’m sorry I blamed you for all the bad stuff from my childhood. You did the best you could and I love you so much for that. All by yourself you had to deal with this fucked up kid and your cross must have been much heavier than I knew. You even took up the cross for something you didn’t do. My whole life its always been in my head that I had to take care of you because you needed me. Maybe because sometimes you seemed like you didn’t know how to do it yourself. Maybe because when they said they’d kill you if I told that I decided nobody was ever gonna hurt my mama. Even at 3 I knew I had to protect you from the bad people. Who knows why. Because I loved you so much. You have always shined so bright in my eyes. Maybe I realized from the beginning that you couldnt protect yourself from pain and negativity. I remember how you used to break down and it would break my heart every time. And all I wanted was for you to be happy again. So I would say something like I did that thanksgiving. I’m sorry I didnt understand. I’m sorry I turned that around on you and started only looking at the bad. I’m so sorry for everything my Dad did to you. I’m sorry that you had to do all that you did, like taking me to see him on fathers day. I’m sorry I cried for him every time you yelled at me. You took on a whole lot more than you ever let me know. I’m sorry that baby sitter opened her stupid fucking mouth to me about it. Thank you for baring a cross that wasn’t even yours. I’m sorry I saw you fall apart and mistook it for weakness. I’m sorry I let it make me hard instead of strong. I’m sorry I watched you let people disrespect you and walk all over you for years and I decided no one would ever do that to me. Its always been my mission in life to take care of you and those I love. I’m sorry I let my anger at the world and you, push you away. I’m sorry I hated you for giving my brothers up. I was selfish and didnt understand why our life was that bad that you protected them from it. I’m so glad you did. Thank you for taking in my other little brother when you didnt have to. Thank you for understanding my need to take care of him. Thank you for not beating his moms Ass when she deserved it. I know I’ve immortalized your many mistakes all over the internet for the world to see and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I let it get that far. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m sorry everyone judged you and looked down on you. I cringe when I think about it now. I’m sorry I hated you when you werent there. I know you were just looking for love you never got from your own dad. I’m sorry I held you accountable for all my pain. You never deserved that. Even if part of it was righteous anger I never should have done that. I was supposed to grow up early for a reason. So please dont take it so hard anymore. I’m sorry I make you constantly deal with that time in our lives. I’m sorry you had to see me show respect to the people who took me in. But let’s be thankful they were there when you couldnt be Mama. Thankful that I knew kindness and goodness in the world when I felt alone. I know you were too and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hated you the night you called to say goodbye when you thought you were gonna die. All you were trying to do was show me that I was all that mattered to you. I didnt know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry all this time I left you all by yourself. I really couldnt be more thankful for you Mama. I remember being upset with you at a/d works one day after you called and we had a fight. I couldnt understand why you would take your anger out on me and so I just got angry back. Garret told me you were just making up for lost time. At the time I got mad because I always felt like a burden and that just confirmed it for me. But now I understand how much you really gave up for me. It couldnt have been easy for you being the mom and dad and I hated every boyfriend you ever had.

I remember saying I would never fall in love because if your picker was broken mine would be too. It still kinda is haha. I think about when you were gone and how I was able to fall in love for real. It was the best and worst thing I had ever felt. I’m sorry I hated you for taking me away from him. I loved him so much and he made me feel safe, loved and wanted. I still have never felt that with anyone else. I know you were trying to still protect my innocence and my heart. And my teenage head thought you were just being spiteful. Thank you for letting me love him and make that mistake on my own. To this day I wish I had waited. And I remember you knew. Even though, you werent there you knew. I remember the phone conversation. I’m sorry I never listened to you. I didnt realize you might know more than me because of your many failed relationships. Thank you for that time Mama. I wouldnt be the person I am today without it. I’m sorry ive been so stubborn and hateful for so long. I’m sorry it took me this long to forgive it all. Thank you for being strong enough to have your dirty laundry hung out for the world. I know I’m fucked up Mama, I’m sorry for that. Thank you for bringing me up to think for myself. Thank you for bringing me up around men who taught me to respect you and to have manners. I’m sorry my heroes are treating you so badly. It breaks my heart and I’m overcome with so much sadness when I hear that the men who taught me respect for you aren’t showing you that anymore. James loves you. Thank you for teaching me through that friendship that some soul mates maybe aren’t good together. Thanks to that I’m much more able to accept that my soul mate and I are just meant to be amazing parents to an amazing little girl. I’m sorry if you think I let him walk all over me. I’m sorry you dont always understand the love in my heart for him and how ‘He can do no wrong in my eyes’ but I’m honestly just thankful he’s nothing like my dad. That he deals with all my bullshit on a regular basis and his family loves me unconditionally. I understand how much it hurts to not be able to have the one you love and watch them be happy with someone other than you. Its painful Mama. He’ll come around at some point. He’s just hurt right now and you know too well how stubborn and hurtful people can be when they’re in pain. I hope we can all still be a family again one day. I’m sorry I’m not there to protect you right now. You’re not alone though, Mama. I’m always here. Always. You’ve never been alone. That’s why God gave me to you. I’m sorry Sean is gone. I know it must be hard to not have the person there who was always on your side, even when you were wrong. And not knowing if he really gave up or his life was taken by someone else must be even harder. But I’m still here Mama and I’m always on your side. Thank you for always being on mine. I’m sorry I wouldn’t hug you when I first came here. I’m sorry for all of our fights. Thank you for always thinking I’m beautiful, even when I gained weight and lost all my confidence. Thanks for buying me beer when I was depressed my senior year too. Thank you for always believing in me. I’m sorry my brain distorted it when you talked about all you did in highschool and your IQ. I didn’t know that was all you had to hold onto until that was all I had to hold onto. But Mom you’ve always been so much more than that. You really are an amazing person and it frustrates me when you don’t see it. You have always been so kind hearted and well meaning. Even to the point of being taken advantage of. Thanks to you I learned not to judge those people who were facing down or making friends with their own demons. ‘They aren’t themselves right now, but we don’t judge them’ was what you’d say. So I’ve never looked down(as much as I can) on people with addictions. We never steal was another one. Thanks to that I didn’t fall into certain family traits from dad’s side of the family. I saw you give money to someone in need when I was little and so that christmas eve when that person was stranded it was only natural to give them my christmas money. We always help those less fortunate than ourselves. Even though we were less fortunate than most people too. Never be a snitch. Lol! I wish some people had you to teach them as children Mama! Because, while I would never fathom such a thing, others do so with out a second thought. Because of you I know the wrong way to do lots of things. But at least I know right from wrong. I’m sorry I ever said I never want to be like you because the best and kindest part of me comes from you! All the love, forgiveness, and compassion in my heart comes from you Mama. I could only hope to be as beautiful as you are inside and out. If it wasn’t for you I might not be here and I would probably not have any kindness in me what soever. Thanks to you I have always had an amazing faith and trust in God to take care of me. When you couldn’t be there, God was. You taught me what God really is Mama. Unconditional love for everyone, even those who hurt me deserve my love, forgiveness and compassion. Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of children. And I saw God in you Mama. You are so beautiful to me Mama! You dont need a man to tell you that either. Or make you feel that way. You have always been beautiful to me with every flaw and scar, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. And it kills me because I know you can’t see it. But remember when you’re ready to give up that someone looks up to you and that someone calls you Mom. And when I want to hurt others or seek revenge it’s your voice in my head telling me to love and forgive even though you dont see any of that yourself. You are the reason there is still light in my heart and its the most beautiful part of me. So while I have learned to love the dark part of myself that will never truly go away, I want to thank you for being the best part of me. Because the best part of me comes from you. The beautiful part. Please stop thinking your ugly or a loser. You’re still beautiful to me! You aren’t weak or worthless or nothing. You are kind and smart. Beautiful and feminine. Funny and charming. Strong and resilient. Please don’t let the actions of others make you hard or mean. Thats not who you are Mama. It takes more strength to love and forgive, than to hate and hold a grudge. And I wouldn’t know how to do that if it werent for you. While you may not have been a perfect mom, you were absolutely perfect for me. You are my mom for a reason. And while other children might not embarrass their parents and lay their Shit bare, you bore it with dignity and class. And you raised a badass. I wouldn’t be half of what I am without you. Thank you for everything you’ve done, did and still do. I love you so much and I forgive you for every mistake you made. I’m sorry for all my hardness and coldness. I really have always loved you with all my heart! I’m always gonna protect and take care of you no matter what. You have never and never will be alone because you have me. I hope you know how much you mean to me and how sorry I really am. You are so amazing. And please believe me that you are so much more than everyone has made you believe. I love you Mama! I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my Mama you’ll be! :’)