Its in my darkest moments that I feel the love of God or the divine the most. My circumstances in life have never been easy. Whether by fated planning of the divine or my own brainless, act before you think, notions. Somehow I always come out on the other side back into the light again as if it never happened. For the longest time I attributed this to my strength, endurance and faith. Finally during this last fiasco it hit me. I stood there staring at the words from the poem Footprints in the Sand, that I had painted for my grandmother back in high school. “My child, I love you and would never leave you. During the times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
So there it is. What got me through all that? Sure it could have partially been my strength and endurance, but my faith in a higher power seeing me through or carrying me through is what did it. In the darkest moments when I could no longer endure, god stepped in. God carried me through and protected me from harm. For that I am eternally faithful and grateful.
I’m an idiot. (No mom I’m not talking my self down!) I’m just being real and stating that sometimes I make brainless decisions that cause fiascos. A fiasco, by the way, is a failure of epic proportions. I am extremely skilled at these kinds of failures. Generally to the effect that I have to learn, or at least go through everything twice to get it.
My most recent fiasco led me to he court room once again. Only this time I had grown. Sure its scary and depressing, but when you know God is sitting right there with you, you have an inner peace that can’t be explained. For days I agonized and tore myself down. So did some of those close to me. With good reason. Even though they choose to ignore it, their love for me makes them expect absolute perfection from me. Which is, in a word, impossible. But as soon as I said ‘Okay God, I’m letting go of control! I can’t do this, I’m ready to give up! I’ve had it! You’ll have to carry me through this because I don’t know if I have any gumption left!’ That night I had a dream. I was staying with my cousin and they had a pet snake for some reason. This damn snake ended up biting the holy hell out of my left arm. They got it off and I was like ‘I need to go to he hospital! ‘ They brushed me off and said I would be fine. Then the damn snake came back again and bit the holy hell out of the same arm on the under side (arm fat) part. I was so mad at this thing that I grabbed it by the back of the head and ripped it off of my arm. Blood dripping, and my arm literally black and sort of blue, I start panicking. I’m upset and freaking out that I’m going to die, I need to go to the hospital! They tell me I’ll be fine and I’ll absorb the poison like I did my spider bite. Great so now I’m gonna die in my friggin sleep! Awesome! Turns out the next day in the dream I’m telling someone about it and pull up my sleeve to show them…. and guess what? It looks like its been almost already healed! Like I made a big fuss over nothing.
God was showing me that although, initially the snake bite looked like it would be my end or undoing, that it probably seemed worse at the time than it actually was. Something that seemed so horrible would end up seeming as though it almost never happened. Peace. That’s what come when you relinquish control. That’s not to say that I relinquished responsibility, because I know I make stupid decisions, but I had faith that God would see me through. And as always, he did. Anytime I felt myself start to worry or cry and get upset, I would tell myself ‘God is in control or Its in God’s hands!’ And it worked. I apologized to God for my reckless and stupid behavior. Asked forgiveness. And relinquished control of the situation. Inner peace, preceded by love and support from everyone around me, and followed by tears of joy and gratitude for my positive outcome was the result.
Faith is bluebird we see from afar. Its as real and as sure as the first evening star. You can’t touch it, or hold it, or wrap it up tight. But its there, just the same, making things turn out right.
This I repeated to myself anytime I felt myself losing hope or faith and it set me straight.
I also got this fortune cookie that said ” How can you have a beautiful ending if you don’t make beautiful mistakes.” Not a question. A statement. God saying to to me “This is how you grow and learn!” They say that spiritual growth is more like a spiral then a staircase. So what we are experiencing as a set back is really part of an upward spiral. Its all in the perception. I’m not retracing my steps or going backward, but rather around and up. So what seems to everyone else like the same mistake twice is really my evolutionary process of growth and circumstantial learning. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Yes my darling, even my stupid moments! How can god know what already going to happen if he gave us free will? How can there be fate or destiny if we make our own choices? Well I have a theory on that.
I believe that before we come into this world, our soul meets with God to determine certain experiences for our lives so that it can progress to eventually be in the likeness of god and become one with it again. I call this the roadmap of fate. Certain stops we have to make, or people we encounter. Circumstances that at the time seem so painful or wonderful and also seem to be completely out of our hands. Little forks in the road that are sometimes subtle and some more obvious. And I think that when chanced or presented with such circumstances, its our choice, free will, and how we react that determines our ultimate destiny. Either our lowest energies are supported or our highest good is. And sometimes what seems like a dead end, really isn’t, if it takes you where you needed to go. The last time I made this mistake it facilitated so much growth in me. So I can’t help but notice that God takes my impulsive, irrational mistakes and transforms them into a catalyst for more growth. This is simply another step in my growth on this matter. Not a set back or the same thing as last time. A higher, more challenging step in my growth process. All things work together for good. Whether it seems that way at the time or not. :) When looking in on someone else’s journey we sometimes judge to harshly because we haven’t known that particular circumstance ourselves, remember that god is love. If we represent god then we must show love and compassion. Especially if we expect the same from others or God. He often says that the way we judge others is the way he will judge us. I don’t know if there is a hell but being judged is the worst thing in the world. And I know too well that God has this thing about pride. I have been brought to humble ruin and still have faith and I’m still grateful. God has no problem knocking you off of you high horse so be careful when passing judgement on others. Instead of judging constantly or being so harsh, perhaps look at there situation from their shoes. Love, empathy, support and compassion go so much further than a hardened heart full of judgement, (even with the best intentions) harsh words, and cold shoulders. If something is to blossom it requires love and light not cold and darkness. Our light is what connects us to eachother. Its what makes us divine and human and every human being has it. Even those who make mistakes. I’m grateful for this mistake and the growth it will facilitate for me. Thankful for all the love and support I’ve been shown and ever faithful that God is in control and will see me through.