The dangers of our subliminal society.

Let’s all step out of our own personal shoes for a moment. In this blog, we’re going to take a proverbial walk in everyone else’s shoes for a few minutes.  Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Forget about all your woes, self-created, imagined and incidental, for a moment. I want you to think of the person you’re most angry with right now. It doesn’t have to be angry, it can be upset, disappointed, irritated, sad or broken-hearted with. It doesn’t matter because you know exactly who popped into your mind at the first thought.  Now I want you to list all of the ways this person is bothering you. Think of exactly why you are feeling the way you do about this person and name it. Do you have it? Good. Now think about why it is that this person and their particular actions are affecting you the way they are. What is it about what they are doing to upset you so much that it’s breaking your peace?  Can you name the feeling that is truly represented by all these other emotions and actions coming from you? Sometimes this is helpful in identifying an underlying issue within ourselves that needs to be addressed before we can honestly be upset with another person. Secondly, sometimes we become angry with someone because we dislike something in them that we dislike within ourselves and it causes us to lash out.

Now that you’ve identified the action that is causing your emotion, and named the emotion, as well as decided whether or not it’s your issue truly or the other person’s; if you’ve decided that the issue is yours it’s time to decide to work on it. If however you feel that it is still and issue with another person’s actions, let’s continue. Now I want you to think of this person and the very best memory you have of them. Whether it’s a day in the snow, a moment of laughter, a moment of displayed loyalty and love, a hug, a kindness they showed you, being there for you in a moment of darkness or time you needed them most. No matter what it is I want you to hold onto the feeling you have during this memory. Remember the love in your heart, the joy and peace, and the smile on your face. If you and this person aren’t close enough to have a memory like this than they are not significant enough in your life to be causing you an imbalance of emotion. If you do have one or more favorite moments with this person I want you to think of them that way when you are working out your issue with them. When we look at someone we love with love when we are trying to deal with an issue with them, we seek to understand their actions, rather than to be judgmental. Now before you go off into problem solving mode I want you to think of yourself as this person in whatever situation is in question, objectively. It doesn’t matter what you would do in this situation. It matters that you are in their shoes making the decisions as them.

How can you do this without all the information on the situation? YOU CAN”T. You can’t make decisions or think the way someone else does because you are you and they are them. You grew up and learned things one way, they grew up and learned things their way. All you can do is look objectively at another person’s actions and try to understand them with love, rather than to react and hurt them with emotion. I love Sherlock Holmes for this reason. “You can’t make an informed analysis or decision if you do not have all the information. All you can do is make assumptions, deductions, hypotheses about the subject when you don’t have all the information.” Useful when you’re an investigator, but when it comes to someone we know personally we tend to make assumptions, deductions, and hypotheses and then accept them as facts rather than what they are. We don’t bother to go to this person directly and ask them about it straight out. We just assume we know best without all the information and accept it as evidence and proceed to feel whatever we wanted to in the first place and react in an even worse manner. Sometimes we do this to people we don’t even know. Or people we think we know based off the assumptions and badly plastered together information of those closer to us. Then we form our own opinions without basis more reliable than our own fleeting experience and further the situation to make ourselves feel better about our own insecurities. The only way to solve a problem is to handle it. Ask questions directly, confront the issue, and try to understand objectively. When we assume, make judgment calls, and form opinions of others we are robbing them of their humanity and ourselves too. We all make mistakes. It never feels good to have them judged by anyone else. And we forget all too often that no matter the situation, we have all had our less appealing moments. You are not fucking perfect. You never will be. So why would you expect perfection from others when you yourself are not up to that standard? You are not better than anyone else. Life is a wheel. What is up will be down at some point so never look down on someone else because before you know it they could be looking down on you. We forget our humanity and love when we get upset and angry. Try a different method and perhaps you’ll solve the problem with a lot less drama and heartache.

What does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well that’s the sad part. We don’t have any accountability anymore. So instead of being honest about our feelings, confronting the situation head on, and focusing on solving the problem; we decide the best course of action is to justify our feelings, avoid the other person or be two-faced, and then when we’re feeling particularly brave we take to social media to “vent” or trash that person or their situation publicly, only we do it subliminally.  The term “some people” or some other wide ranged subliminal terminology is used so we don’t have to be accountable for our own feelings and actions after just judging someone else’s. Funny how that works huh? Now we can say whatever we want about whoever we want without any accountability or consequences for our actions. And to take it a step further, this inhumane way of voicing your feelings and judging others is given support by people who know just as much about the situation as yourself. “Likes” are most common on these posts because people love a good show. Sure there are a few who know a fraction about what you are talking about and they like it too. But I have news for you. The same people applauding your crowning, will applaud your beheading. People like a show. It makes them feel as though their lives are not nearly as fucked up as the next person’s. We feel as though we are justified in this matter by these “likes”, and by the fact that we aren’t specifically targeting someone publicly, but they know we are feeling some type of way about them when they read it. But some people have no idea you are upset with them specifically because you are being purposely subliminal and they probably figure that if it was them you were referring to, you would say something privately, and confront the situation because after all, you are friends. Other people read these attacks and feel that it is directed at them specifically when in reality, you would never say something like that to them. Yet they’re insecurity overpowers this. They feel hurt and confused. They don’t know who you’re talking to. But they think it’s them. Not your problem you say? Because they should know better, and if it’s bothering them that’s their problem. Little do we know the effect we can have on those close and not so close to us. It is our problem as a generation. We’re teaching the children under us that it’s okay to make assumptions without all the information and without investigating the facts. We’re teaching them that other people don’t have feelings, and if they do, they should be ashamed to have insecurities. We’re teaching them that ignoring the moment, and being on our phones is more important. That they can say whatever, bully whoever and that there are no consequences for their actions as long as they do it subliminally.

I am just as guilty of this as the next person but I’ve had a lot of therapy, grown quite a bit and I like to think I’ve matured at least enough to start recognizing this. I’ve been through quite a bit lately. I’m sure someone who reads this will think I’m speaking specifically to them but I am not. I am speaking to the humanity in each of us. What if something you said brought someone to the edge. That what you said caused them to take their own life, turn to a substance, or just give up completely? Would you still write it? Would you still post it? What if someone you loved was actually insecure enough to constantly think that what you said was a direct attack upon them or their character? Would you still say it? Not your problem I suppose, still? What about someone else writing something that effected someone you love enough to commit suicide? Is it your problem then? You bet it would be. But someone you don’t know somehow has less value in this world huh? Until we recognize humanity in everyone we can’t fully grow as a race. We get upset about racism and sexism, but what about that person we hardly know that we hear about all the time? Do you think about that person as a human being or some form of entertainment?

We each need to remember that we are all human and all make mistakes and choices based on the learning and information we have attained in our time here on earth. If you have an issue just confront it head on. One of the greatest things I’ve learned were the 4 agreements.

These will help you to avoid a lot of drama in the future. You will avoid a lot of heartache too. But as always remember that people are people. They have a right to be hurt by your actions or words. You have a right to choices and feelings just as much as the next person. But from now one I think we should try to remember that we are talking to real people who feel pain just like we do and make mistakes like we do. Be more thoughtful and grow your level of understanding instead of your need to justify your actions, opinions and individuality by tearing at another’s. Remember everyone has problems we don’t know about and hides pain and intentions that we are completely unaware of. It’s not their job to justify it by telling us, nor is it our job to make assumptions and judgments based on what little information we do have. Be objective, forgiving, forth coming, and face things head on. Life will go much smoother. If you have a problem say something. Don’t talk about things you can’t understand. Don’t talk about the people you love in a negative way. Talk to them if they do something that bothers you or that makes you feel a certain way. Solve the problem in an adult manner and don’t feed drama. Let be apart of growing humanity and furthering our souls instead of becoming hardened to the suffering of others and indifferent to the feelings of others as well.

A leap of faith

Sometimes in life we do bad things. We hurt people, say things we might not mean, do things that we don’t realize hurt people, and even hold onto past hurts that we’ve said are forgiven. Sometimes we hurt ourselves from guilt because we can’t let go of what we have done to hurt others. It stays inside mutating into hatred until we just hate ourselves and take it out on others.

I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all done it. What makes a difference in forgiveness is the letting go of it. If we all keep holding onto every wrong that has come upon us this world will end up in nothing but hate. Hate in your heart only consumes you. I know. I’ve had so much hate in me before I thought I could hate the whole world and it could die and I would laugh. Sick huh? I’ve had a lot of shitty things go on in my life. It frustrates me that some of those things will never be reconciled because some people don’t have the humility to admit their faults. Or to take responsibility for them. I have learned the hard way to not be that way. I’m human and I have made a shit load of bad decisions, mistakes, broken hearts, and wounded beautiful people. I’ve hurt people I thought I was protecting, wronged those who only wished to love me, and not forgiven those who have hurt me.

I’ll be the first to admit what a dumb shit I can be sometimes. I am impulsive, reckless, some times untrustworthy, bad tempered, selfish, self-centered, and overly emotional. I quite literally make it impossible to love me. Sometimes even for myself. Sometimes I am so happy on the inside that I am completely closed off because I don’t know how to contain myself so I just shut down. I hold grudges and tell myself I’m forgiving when really I just stuff things down. From all this I hate myself and all of my faults. And because of that I let people treat me badly. Its a nasty cycle.

But at some point you have to say enough is enough. Who is in charge of how I feel? Me. Who is making stupid decisions? Me. Who is holding onto shit when they want someone to forgive them? Me. Can I change my past? Nope. Sure can’t. Am I in control of my future? Damn right. Do I deserve to be loved truly and fully by everyone I know? Yes. Do people deserve my forgiveness if I expect someone else to forgive me? Bet your ass. Am I in charge of letting go or holding onto things? Yep!

So you can choose the right to hang onto something that won’t be changed because it was in the past. Or you can let it go and forgive truly. You have the choice. True love takes work yes, but it also takes a shit load of unwavering faith and trust. Not to mention acceptance. If you want someon to accept you as you are with all your faults, you had better do the same for them. If you want someone to trust you with their heart, you better be trusting them fully with yours. True love isn’t one sided. Its either shit or get off the pot. No one can prove they won’t hurt you and they’ll love you completely if you don’t give them a chance. Seeing yourself through their eyes with humility is the only way to love someone.

Its easy to hold a grudge and hate someone. Its easy to ignore them when you just want to kiss them. Its easier to pretend you don’t care when you really do. But putting yourself out there and taking the chance is hard. If the person is truly worth it you will take the leap of faith with them and hold on for dear life because you know the reward taking a chance.

There is a card in the tarot deck called the “Hanged Man”. Basically it symbolizes the law of reversal or sacrifice. To get what we want most in this world we must pay a price. If you want a family, you may have to give up being a player. If you want heaven you may have to sacrifice a life of sin. If you want to get to the castle you’ll have to risk the moat. If you want to fly you have to risk falling and getting hurt. The greatest things in the world aren’t just the means of hard work, sometimes it takes that extra trust in yourself or another. 

I’ve written before on the power of fear and how it deprives us of what we truly deserve in this world.  Fear should be the greatest sin in the world. Have heart and faith and you will receive what you have believed in. No one can prove to you that they have changed unless you give them the opportunity to! If you want god or anyone else to give you the courtesy of total trust, faith and forgiveness, you have to give it freely yourself. You have to take the leap and trust. Yes you could get hurt again, you could fall and bust your ass and have everyone laugh at you, or you might fly. Someone might just be there to catch you. You won’t know unless you take the opportunity to see it for yourself. Sometimes people just need an occasion to rise to.

If you can’t trust someone, you also can’t expect it from them. Same with forgiveness. I want so badly to be forgiven and given the chance to prove myself that I forgot I have to do the same. I can’t change what I’ve done in my past. I can be sorry and chnge the pattern of my behavior though. I can forgive those who have hurt me. And trust that they learned their lesson and if they haven’t, then shame on them. I can forgive myself for my stupidity and wrong doing. I can realize no matter what I’ve done I deserve to have the love that I give wholly and truly. That no longer will my past determine my feelings about here and now or my future. Sure it sucked. Some of it was great and some was shit. But it was only the first act in my play. The second will be written how I decide to write it. It may have been a tragic comedy but I am the writer of this next act.

The point I’m trying to get across is that life is such a precious gift and too long I have been tangled up in resentment and fear. I’ve let it hold me back and guilt too. Its a waste not to experience joy because I am afraid to get hurt or screwed over. To have the possibility of soaring to great hieghts and not to take it because I may just die from the fall is stupid. Not forgiving those I love for being human and making mistakes is stupid. Not showing all the love in my heart for someone because I’m afraid it may never be returned is stupid. Not believing in myself or thinking I don’t deserve better is stupid. I’m going to move forward and let all the hurt go. I can’t change what I or others have done so why hold onto it? Why let it bother me now? I am more than what my past is. I deserve the best because from now on I will give my best. I will take a leap of faith and never let go of the notion that we wil fly.

Ready, set, go…………………………..

Love those who test you

I’ve been in a solemn, introverted mood today and this is what I have been thinking. “Love your enemies.” Most people would ask why? Well It’s taken me two years to figure that out and through lots of study on what religions say about it, I finally understand it. Yes it’s hard to love someone who has done you wrong or intends to. It’s hard to love someone who could harm you or your family. It’s hard to love those people in your life who demonstrate everything you’ve ever hated in yourself. It’s hard to push an emotion, other than indifference or hate, out for someone who clearly would never do the same for you.

But go with me on this. These people are in your life to help you learn a lesson. They are here to push you to succeed. They are here so that you can find your way. They are in your life for a reason. Sometimes they don’t even realize how much they hurt you. I’m sure you don’t realize how much you’ve hurt someone or done them wrong in the past. But you played your role in their life. These people might not even realize they’ve played the role of antagonist in your life. Because they are human just like you and I. We get so caught up in holding on to an emotion that we rarely see past our own pain, to be able to forgive another. There have been plenty of these people in my life. Yes, some of them were even family. But holding onto a hurt doesn’t do you any good, and if it weren’t for those hurts where would you be now? What would you have accomplished? What lessons would have been learned?

I think that if we take a second to actually look at the emotion we have toward someone who has hurt us, we would realize that perhaps we had a hand in it as well. Perhaps they never meant to do you wrong. Perhaps the strong emotion you’re having isn’t really hate, it’s love. A deep love for a person who helped you on your way, even though it hurt. I think if we all take some time to look at the antagonists in our story we will see that maybe someone else made them that way. Or maybe they are still dealing with a hurt. Love, after all, is the greatest gift you can give someone. Even if they don’t realize you’ve given it to them.

So let go of your hurts. Love your enemy for being the person who helped you become who you are. Recognize that they are just as human as you are and just as capable of forgiving and loving you. It may take some time. But hate in your heart will only consume you. Send them love and light and hope that you may change the way they view the world. Hope that one day, you may be friends.