Let’s all step out of our own personal shoes for a moment. In this blog, we’re going to take a proverbial walk in everyone else’s shoes for a few minutes. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Forget about all your woes, self-created, imagined and incidental, for a moment. I want you to think of the person you’re most angry with right now. It doesn’t have to be angry, it can be upset, disappointed, irritated, sad or broken-hearted with. It doesn’t matter because you know exactly who popped into your mind at the first thought. Now I want you to list all of the ways this person is bothering you. Think of exactly why you are feeling the way you do about this person and name it. Do you have it? Good. Now think about why it is that this person and their particular actions are affecting you the way they are. What is it about what they are doing to upset you so much that it’s breaking your peace? Can you name the feeling that is truly represented by all these other emotions and actions coming from you? Sometimes this is helpful in identifying an underlying issue within ourselves that needs to be addressed before we can honestly be upset with another person. Secondly, sometimes we become angry with someone because we dislike something in them that we dislike within ourselves and it causes us to lash out.
Now that you’ve identified the action that is causing your emotion, and named the emotion, as well as decided whether or not it’s your issue truly or the other person’s; if you’ve decided that the issue is yours it’s time to decide to work on it. If however you feel that it is still and issue with another person’s actions, let’s continue. Now I want you to think of this person and the very best memory you have of them. Whether it’s a day in the snow, a moment of laughter, a moment of displayed loyalty and love, a hug, a kindness they showed you, being there for you in a moment of darkness or time you needed them most. No matter what it is I want you to hold onto the feeling you have during this memory. Remember the love in your heart, the joy and peace, and the smile on your face. If you and this person aren’t close enough to have a memory like this than they are not significant enough in your life to be causing you an imbalance of emotion. If you do have one or more favorite moments with this person I want you to think of them that way when you are working out your issue with them. When we look at someone we love with love when we are trying to deal with an issue with them, we seek to understand their actions, rather than to be judgmental. Now before you go off into problem solving mode I want you to think of yourself as this person in whatever situation is in question, objectively. It doesn’t matter what you would do in this situation. It matters that you are in their shoes making the decisions as them.
How can you do this without all the information on the situation? YOU CAN”T. You can’t make decisions or think the way someone else does because you are you and they are them. You grew up and learned things one way, they grew up and learned things their way. All you can do is look objectively at another person’s actions and try to understand them with love, rather than to react and hurt them with emotion. I love Sherlock Holmes for this reason. “You can’t make an informed analysis or decision if you do not have all the information. All you can do is make assumptions, deductions, hypotheses about the subject when you don’t have all the information.” Useful when you’re an investigator, but when it comes to someone we know personally we tend to make assumptions, deductions, and hypotheses and then accept them as facts rather than what they are. We don’t bother to go to this person directly and ask them about it straight out. We just assume we know best without all the information and accept it as evidence and proceed to feel whatever we wanted to in the first place and react in an even worse manner. Sometimes we do this to people we don’t even know. Or people we think we know based off the assumptions and badly plastered together information of those closer to us. Then we form our own opinions without basis more reliable than our own fleeting experience and further the situation to make ourselves feel better about our own insecurities. The only way to solve a problem is to handle it. Ask questions directly, confront the issue, and try to understand objectively. When we assume, make judgment calls, and form opinions of others we are robbing them of their humanity and ourselves too. We all make mistakes. It never feels good to have them judged by anyone else. And we forget all too often that no matter the situation, we have all had our less appealing moments. You are not fucking perfect. You never will be. So why would you expect perfection from others when you yourself are not up to that standard? You are not better than anyone else. Life is a wheel. What is up will be down at some point so never look down on someone else because before you know it they could be looking down on you. We forget our humanity and love when we get upset and angry. Try a different method and perhaps you’ll solve the problem with a lot less drama and heartache.
What does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well that’s the sad part. We don’t have any accountability anymore. So instead of being honest about our feelings, confronting the situation head on, and focusing on solving the problem; we decide the best course of action is to justify our feelings, avoid the other person or be two-faced, and then when we’re feeling particularly brave we take to social media to “vent” or trash that person or their situation publicly, only we do it subliminally. The term “some people” or some other wide ranged subliminal terminology is used so we don’t have to be accountable for our own feelings and actions after just judging someone else’s. Funny how that works huh? Now we can say whatever we want about whoever we want without any accountability or consequences for our actions. And to take it a step further, this inhumane way of voicing your feelings and judging others is given support by people who know just as much about the situation as yourself. “Likes” are most common on these posts because people love a good show. Sure there are a few who know a fraction about what you are talking about and they like it too. But I have news for you. The same people applauding your crowning, will applaud your beheading. People like a show. It makes them feel as though their lives are not nearly as fucked up as the next person’s. We feel as though we are justified in this matter by these “likes”, and by the fact that we aren’t specifically targeting someone publicly, but they know we are feeling some type of way about them when they read it. But some people have no idea you are upset with them specifically because you are being purposely subliminal and they probably figure that if it was them you were referring to, you would say something privately, and confront the situation because after all, you are friends. Other people read these attacks and feel that it is directed at them specifically when in reality, you would never say something like that to them. Yet they’re insecurity overpowers this. They feel hurt and confused. They don’t know who you’re talking to. But they think it’s them. Not your problem you say? Because they should know better, and if it’s bothering them that’s their problem. Little do we know the effect we can have on those close and not so close to us. It is our problem as a generation. We’re teaching the children under us that it’s okay to make assumptions without all the information and without investigating the facts. We’re teaching them that other people don’t have feelings, and if they do, they should be ashamed to have insecurities. We’re teaching them that ignoring the moment, and being on our phones is more important. That they can say whatever, bully whoever and that there are no consequences for their actions as long as they do it subliminally.
I am just as guilty of this as the next person but I’ve had a lot of therapy, grown quite a bit and I like to think I’ve matured at least enough to start recognizing this. I’ve been through quite a bit lately. I’m sure someone who reads this will think I’m speaking specifically to them but I am not. I am speaking to the humanity in each of us. What if something you said brought someone to the edge. That what you said caused them to take their own life, turn to a substance, or just give up completely? Would you still write it? Would you still post it? What if someone you loved was actually insecure enough to constantly think that what you said was a direct attack upon them or their character? Would you still say it? Not your problem I suppose, still? What about someone else writing something that effected someone you love enough to commit suicide? Is it your problem then? You bet it would be. But someone you don’t know somehow has less value in this world huh? Until we recognize humanity in everyone we can’t fully grow as a race. We get upset about racism and sexism, but what about that person we hardly know that we hear about all the time? Do you think about that person as a human being or some form of entertainment?
We each need to remember that we are all human and all make mistakes and choices based on the learning and information we have attained in our time here on earth. If you have an issue just confront it head on. One of the greatest things I’ve learned were the 4 agreements.
These will help you to avoid a lot of drama in the future. You will avoid a lot of heartache too. But as always remember that people are people. They have a right to be hurt by your actions or words. You have a right to choices and feelings just as much as the next person. But from now one I think we should try to remember that we are talking to real people who feel pain just like we do and make mistakes like we do. Be more thoughtful and grow your level of understanding instead of your need to justify your actions, opinions and individuality by tearing at another’s. Remember everyone has problems we don’t know about and hides pain and intentions that we are completely unaware of. It’s not their job to justify it by telling us, nor is it our job to make assumptions and judgments based on what little information we do have. Be objective, forgiving, forth coming, and face things head on. Life will go much smoother. If you have a problem say something. Don’t talk about things you can’t understand. Don’t talk about the people you love in a negative way. Talk to them if they do something that bothers you or that makes you feel a certain way. Solve the problem in an adult manner and don’t feed drama. Let be apart of growing humanity and furthering our souls instead of becoming hardened to the suffering of others and indifferent to the feelings of others as well.
mylifewithzoe 